Yc

2010-02-13T07:32:00.002+08:00

working on new blog..

http://goh-yc.blogspot.com/

2010-01-01T00:32:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year!! :) May this year be filled with happiness..

2009-12-31T16:05:00.000+08:00

Lester Luna ~~~u can spend minutes,hours,days,week or even months,over-analyzing a situation: trying to put the pieces together,justifying what could've,would've happened....or u can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on....~~~

a quote from jim's facebook.. i seriously agrees..

2009-12-09T15:05:00.000+08:00

a part of me is still longing for you..

i wish i knew what your heart is thinking.. are you really so cold or did you block them out so perfectly..

i still wana be friends with you... but why u still giving me those cold replies and nt taking the initiative to talk to me?..

i miss so many things..

i hope this is the last time im having an emotional leak again..

2009-11-07T12:47:00.002+08:00

i believe that when a chapter closes a new one will open.. so its time to close this and start a new one..

this blog shall be my past from now on..

thank god for everything she've given me during this period..
all the obstacles to make me stronger although many times i feel so much like giving up..

There is a purpose for obstacles in your life. Its there for us to learn and grow, for us to challenge and conquer!

good bye blog!
im changing this link and the current link will be taken over by a new blog

2009-11-02T20:17:00.002+08:00

since my last post, i had been going thru my post.. omg didn't realise i had so much drafts.. anyway i published them all.. post since 2yrs ago also there..

most were when i just met von etc.. it felt like yest when i was reading thru all the entries.. i didnt know my life changed so much during this 2yr+ window..

i miss the days how we hang out together and stuffs.. haha so much emotions...

to be honest, i still feel sad over the lost of her.. but i've accepted it and learnt to move on, afterall in 2 days time it'll be 1month since the brokeup and im no longer a boy..

last message for her..

simple me (-.^)v says (8:16 PM):
heya, von i know i shdnt actually text u, as u probably think im someone irritating nw.. like how u treated kevin and others after u disliked them..
simple me (-.^)v says (8:17 PM):
but i just want to say thanks for all the countless happy days and moments u've given me..
how we first met, sweet talked on the phone for hours and webcam etc..
simple me (-.^)v says (8:18 PM):
lol it felt as if they just happened yst as i read thru my old memories drafts..
how u always took care of me when i was having fever, ur morning calls etc
simple me (-.^)v says (8:19 PM):
surprising me last time etc..
thanks
simple me (-.^)v says (8:20 PM):
takecare of urself my friend jiayou with ur studies. im sure u'll succeed.
simple me (-.^)v says (8:21 PM):
bye i wont disturb u anymore, unless u want me to~ im still glad that god let me know u

i dun wish to hate her.. because its tiring and its nt a solution.. also she didnt did anything to be hated.. yes she hurt me but in a r/s i believe no one is right.. it always takes 2 hands to clap.. if i were to blame her for this, i must be blamed too..

i decide to forgive her and if she can forgive me too, i believe we can still be friends and maybe even higher level of friendship.. but if she dont want me to be in her life anymore i'll respect that too..

thanks again for all the sweet memories and times u've given me.. how ur smiles and everything were onces the most beautiful thing in my life... im thankful for the period where we were both so deeply in love.. it was really the sweetest and happiest feeling i can ever wish for...

my last hug and kiss to u.. though we cant feel this..
HUGGG*~ MUACK*~

alright i go prepare to go back camp ler..
love u all :)

2009-11-02T19:18:00.004+08:00

its been a crazy weekend, i didnt really rest much hahas.. but im glad about all the events which happened..

thanks to ALL whom had been giving me so much..

i just ate my dinner, it was so delicious.. mum cooked my favourite chicken etc.. hees...

today supposed to be filled with plans too.. but they had to be cancelled due to the weather.. wat a waste..

but nevermind the next weekend would be a better one! :)

believe in your dreams.. i will walk down that path and follow it..

life's a gift.. dont waste it over meaningless despair.. i believe god have better plans for me.. :) thanks maxie..

smiles.. transfer my love back to those whom need it around me..
my brothers,sisters,friends...

wednesday i will be doing ambulance duty already.. its a start of a new duty life.. i'll need to adapt to new rules and wats expected of me..

cheers!

takecare and god bless to all my loved ones..!

2009-10-29T20:02:00.001+08:00

guess this is it..

just like michael jackson's song..

2009-10-22T20:20:00.005+08:00

thanks guys for such a crazy day haha!..

benjamin as usual giving me his motivation talk like years ago..
i understand ben :)
thanks! ur little mag here is working hard :)..

im happy today.. picking up wat i've missed and moving on.. so much fun.. although still abit not used to life.. without her voice and everything.. but i mustn't give up..
jiayou!

btw im very happy to see meimei and didi together finally after so many yearrrrs :D..
such love is rare..
cherish it! :D

i sincerely give them my best wishes! hehe!
hope everything will be smooth and well till the end ^_^

hahaha thanks the guys and mei for accompanying me for foot reflex before i go back camp for 7 days.. im really grateful...
but next time! im going to ask zn and ben to do it also haha!

i love you all!!!

MUACKS to my bros! hahahaha!

i'm recharged for the 7days! i just hope i dun get anymore flash back and stuffs..

byebye! blog again when im in camp over the weekend maybe..

2009-10-22T04:38:00.003+08:00

just came back after chatting with the guys etc...

im more calm now after some thoughts and i've seen through somethings..

im tired...

im going to sleep..

2009-10-21T21:18:00.003+08:00

you then pony wor! <3 silly boy
3 May | Delete

whenever i stumble upon things she wrote or images i will feel even more heart pain....

... everywhere is filled of memories with her...

my wallet, my room, my table, my field pack, my uniform, EVERYTHING i have got her touch on it before and some even have words of love...

all my hp got the messages she send since we met...

ITS REALLY TOO MUCH TO JUST LET GO...

one who onces told you that she loves you alot alot.. cant live without you.. etc etc.. can just choose to let it go like that.....

2009-10-21T20:23:00.006+08:00

Yvonne went from being "in a relationship" to "it's complicated

guess she made the next move..
soon it'll be single.. and haha i can see alot guys already starting to 'react'..

wat can i do? she made the decision.. love cant be forced...
i tried to make her stay..
i didnt cheat on her..
my life was all about her..
1 and only girl haha..
i never restricted her did i..

since shes already so hard hearted.. wat more shd i hold on to..

please dont treat it as if im the one who wanted to break.. u made the choice so the one which is suffering isnt you...

i know you changed your password wayy.. before i even knew you would...

you think i'll hack you?.. i guess im so low life in your image eh..

leave me in a pile of shit to dig myself up... you dont even care...
if i never sms you, you're even happier.. so i stopped..

the 2nd impact you gave me was when i realise you've change your password..

whether you read this anot doesnt matter..

i dont know wat you bitch to your friends abt me, whether you tell them the same as wat you told me..

i only know you walk out on me just like that..
weeks ago you could still be sending me sweet stuffs.. suddenly you just give me cold shoulders and leave me to suffer in camp eventhough you knew how much i miss you.. make me suffer 10 over days trying to figure out wat i wish wasnt the result..

this month was insane.. if not because of my friends whom didnt give up on me i think i would had really died...

yes its all one sided now.. i dont know how you feel.. but i do know you dont want to see me and you dont even care... you dont bother to msn me or even msg.. nothing... and when i does the above you will respond with such coldness that can kill even a dinosaur...

who should be the one thats swimming in a pool of alcohol now?.. the victim or the one who wanted this?....

you leave me hanging there... tell me you want to study.. yahs.. tell me you still love me.. but the next day you can treat me like as if the past were nothing to you... such a heartless person can still feel sad?.. can i know wat exactly are you trying to do now??....

you're the one thats breaking up with me.. i never cheated on you or watever to make you heart broken k!

you said you feel responsible for me when you're with me.. so you've to let this r/s go so you can find back yourself....

but is this all just an excuse? in the end the answer is just.. you dont love me anymore right??..

who's the one that says she wanted a simple love.. and money cant buy EVERYTHING.. now who's heading the way of the achiever.. and worry abt my future etc.. eventhough i already am planning my own future.....

why are u feeling sad now.. and all the stuffs going on in fb huh.. just wana torture me.... you've all your guys and girls out there cheering for you....

aniway sorry im really frustrated now.....

you're moving on really fast... our past is really nothing to you... now i dont even know who i was with all the while.... why would i fall in love with such a girl.......

im going to delete all the messages later on.. i guess its really pointless holding on anymore... hopes.... leads to more pain......

PAIN PAIN PAIN! DO YOU CARE!? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOUR SO HEARTLESS WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN IM GOING THROUGH..
I CANT EAT SLEEP OR CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING..
I FEEL LIKE AS IF IM GOING INSANE SOMETIMES..
I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO AM I AND WHAT AM I DOING..
DOING THINGS JUST TO MAKE THE PAIN LESSER..
AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGIRLS!!!@!$!%!@#!@#!$!~@~@$~

I MAY NOT BE THE BEST/UNDERSTANDING/ROMANTIC/SUPER LOVING BF SOMETIMES BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I CAN TELL YOU I REALLY LOVE YOU AND I REALLY TREATED YOU AS THE WOMAN I WANT TO BE WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE.. MY LOVE FOR YOU WERE ALWAYS TRUE.. AND I MEANT WATEVER I SAID.. WHEN I SAID FOREVER I MEANT IT..

I REALLY OVER REACTED AT TIMES AND OVER SENSITIVE.. BUT ITS ALL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TOO MUCH....

I CHANGED FOR THE BETTER FOR YOU, I CAN TRY TO DO EVERYTHING WITHIN MY ABILITIES.. JUST TO PROVE..

THATS HOW IMPORTANT YOU WERE!

BUT NOW YOU'RE LEAVING ME..

OVER...

I WANT TO FOCUS ON MY STUDIES AND BE A ACHIEVER AND YOU COULDNT DO THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A R/S.. AND YOU CANT BE YOURSELF...

HAA....

I GOT NOTHING TO SAY ANYMORE...

YOU HURT ME DEEPLY ONCES AGAIN... AND I HOPE THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL EVER BLEED FOR YOU AGAIN...

BLAME MYSELF FOR BEING BLINDED BY LOVE..

FUCKING HARD TO GET OVER SOMEONE WHO I'VE BEEN SO CLOSELY ATTACHED TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 31MONTH..

AND ITS EVEN HARDER TO REALISE ITS ALL JUST A LIE...

WTF JUST HAPPENED WHEN YOU WENT HK.. BEFORE THAT YOU CAN STILL MSG ME YOU MISS ME AND LOVE ME ETC.. EVERYTHING WAS STILL SO SWEET.. THEN WHEN YOU RETURN YOU JUST CHANGED WITHIN A FEW DAYS.........

2009-10-19T11:32:00.002+08:00

just woke up cause i had a dream again..

and i don't want to continue laying in bed with those images..

zzz...

2009-10-18T10:46:00.002+08:00

thanks to all my friends who've been with me..

離開我
再也沒有決裂的時候
就讓靈魂徹底的墜落
喔~喔~
放逐過
還逃不出你的左右
怪只怪我把愛當寄託
一時迷惑一路犯錯
給我死心的理由
誓言融雪時別沉默
我的美麗只剩哀愁
怕看見溫柔眼眸
怕斷了唯一的出口
就無處可躲
你時而熱情時而冷漠的雙手
多叫人心痛

2009-10-11T14:12:00.003+08:00

hmms.. couldn't sleep well last night keep tossing and turning around on the bed.. while the rest were snoring away in the ops room..

i don't know what time it was when i finally fell asleep.. but i woke up only at about 12+pm.. hahas its the only treat we can give ourself during duty.. to wake up later then 7am during the weekends duty..

hais.. i had a dream again.. and i didn't wanted to wake up.. some people says it takes the same amount of time you spend in the relationship to recover from it.. i don't know how true it is.. i only know shes the 2nd girl i wanted to spend my whole life with.. and the first to last over a year..

its a the first time im experiencing this kind of pain.. losing your other half after almost 3yrs.. really unimaginable...

sighs have to wash away all these emotions and be ready to work again tmr.. its dangerous to drive with a mind full of thoughts.. i've almost had an accident before due to it..

today i feel really dreaded.. i cant even think or type what im going through here.. as if my brain is giving itself some kind of drug to disable my feelings and thoughts.. my face sure look no different from a statue now.. emotionless? haha.. sounds stupid..

i don't know how shes doing, she just left me alone.. a day maybe 1 or 2 messages average? sometimes 0.. is this how fast girls can change and adapt?

why is it girls always prefer to be with bastards and some can even forgive those who had cheated on them.. what had i done to deserve this death penalty?..

i feel that i don't understand girls anymore.. is it because i haven been hanging out with girls to understand them better or is it because i don't know how to love them anymore..

i feel so lost again...

anyway i think this will be the last post till next weekend? cause during weekdays cant really use the office computer..

im going to stop here for now, need to go toilet.. stamachache again ><

2009-10-11T01:54:00.004+08:00

im surfing around face book.. keeping my mind busy..

but then i found out something shocking.. i come across my MTO's account and when i added him i realised that he knows yue xing.. omg??.. i smsed him asking if they were from the same class.. and yes.. they were in the same class in SAJC..

what a small world..... i cant believe it...

is god playing a game with me?.. whats going on....

i feel so ashamed of myself..

to face everyone....

2009-10-11T00:04:00.001+08:00

happy 31st month...

2009-10-10T11:55:00.002+08:00

its a cold morning..

in the early morning it rained heavily and now its still drizzling..

i had a dream.. so real until i don't wish to wake up from it..

anyway last night me and few other duty personals just sat down and chatted.. chat abt alot of stuffs.. jofri and nazree were right about many things in life.. im going to take up some of their advises, including my own..

its the 6th day but the pain doesnt feel any lesser..
in 12hrs 5mins time it's suppose to be our 31st anniversary..
but now...

my hp is quiet..

still theres a need to change my lifestyle completely now.. i've grown out of the usual computer world.. theres afew stuffs im gonna get rid.. before i leave it completely.. erik and rasheed still dun wanna give up on making me join them in WoW.. -__- for some reason i can finally feel how sickening it is to talk/hear about games.. i felt the way she did... filled with regrets, i am..

i've really grown out of it.. the day which i've always been telling myself had arrived.. theres finally a full stop..

this was already happening since afew months back.. i just feel so tired to even put my mind on games.. really feel not interested..

still i might see new games and goes "nice"? but i don't expect nor imagine myself to ever sit in front of the computer and grind like a idiot again.. wasting every precious moment..

casual games like 1hr - 2hrs of L4D etc short games should still be fun with friends though.. but no more 24/7 nonsense again..

im too simple.. really.. its time to change drastically.. but its heart wrenching that my other half will never be there by my side to share and smile with me..

have faith in yourself!

Vision and faith go hand in hand. In order to have a vision of a brighter and better future, you must have faith. If your faith is weak, so is your vision. And if your vision and faith are weak, your future will remain the same as it is today..

im sorry..
if only i could turn back time..
i swear i would not be the same like before..

suddenly i seem to be able to feel all kinda song which i hear.. the lyrics etc.. emotions does amplifies the power of music.. music really plays a major role in life..

Goh YC! time to punch yourself out of this stupid emotional state please! kill your heart if you have to!!

why cant i just learn from all those stronger people out there....

2009-10-09T21:40:00.006+08:00

congrats girl on clearing your accounting :)
i know it meant alot to you..

im really happy for you :)..

although i know i'll miss her even more by viewing her profile, but still i cant stop my hand from moving the mouse towards her name and clicking on it..

after all i still want to know whats happening to her and try to be there for her.. even if we're just friends now..

im glad shes going out with her friends now.. everything seems to be back on track for her.. it appears that shes really happier without me in her life..

haha.. i feel horrible but what else can i say... am i so lousy until i cant even give her simple happiness.. why cant i see through the fact that shes been putting up a fake smile all the while and do something about it...

this is where the sentence "its too late to apologize.." from the song apologize is mentioned in my mind to myself..

i don't want to blame anyone but myself.....

heart brokened once again..

panda retreat back into the forest alone..

all it can do was look..

in pain and helplessness..

as it's beloved koala waddles..

into the moonlight shadow..

slowly disappearing into the horizon..

looking at the last of the shadow of koala..

tears rolled down panda's cheek..

it's heart beat heavily with severe pain..

is this the end for panda? :(..

2009-10-09T20:59:00.004+08:00

the guys are watching ice age 3 now.. it sure brings back alot of memories.. how i laughed with my dearest as we watched it..

many scenes made me recalled exactly what and how she smiled as she fitted nicely against me...

i really don't believe that there will be another girl like her coming into my life again.. its so hard to let go.. as much as i know she wont change her mind and probably whatever i try it'll just hurt me even more since she'll just back off or ignore me whenever i try..

i don't know how.. i really don't know...

she seem to be moving on very well.. it shows that shes really determined and maybe she don't even have anymore feelings left for me.. and i should respect that.. but.... will everyone really just let go the real love of their life just like that?..

I've never felt feeling this strong before.. so strong that i can be sure that she's the one i want to spend the rest of my life with...

why such love can just be gone just like that? i was stupid enough to not cherish it enough.. i only thought that if i was truthful and sincere everything will be fine.. but i was wrong.. love isn't only that.. it involves alot other factors..

micromanagement...

I've finally understand it.. but its too late... i know my life is going to change right after i ORD but i never expect it to be like that.. i thought i could return the time we've lost during this period and able to be there for her fully.. able to pick her up from sch and send her home etc since i'll have my lic by then.. so much so much more..

why..... why...........

im not what she thinks i am.. i am so much more.. i really wish i can have more time to prove it..

but its too late isn't it... deep in my heart i know.. i just don't wish to face it.. i still cant accept this...

yesterday night, LCP Sun played a china series show.. its a drama about family and romance.. the lead actress inside reminds me of her.. because the thing she did and said inside was so similar to her.. my heart was squeezed once more..

enough said.. i just want to release some of my thoughts.. its killing me as i cant share it with anyone in camp and i've to be stuck in here till next friday.. every morning im being tortured until i can distract myself by doing work or acting like a clown towards my friends here.. basically doing things so i wont think as much....

anyway no one visits my blog anymore.. so its just a empty vacuum for me to type now..

i have to be stronger....

2009-10-08T21:39:00.002+08:00

arghz.. Having diarrhea these few days.. The cold weather plays a role in this..

Haiz while writing this the other operators here are making so much noise..

Sun just break off with his 'gf' haiz..

Ate two bottle of pills and applied medicated oil hopefully it will stop the diarrhea..

2009-10-07T18:51:00.004+08:00

today's the 3rd day and considered the toughest day.. i couldnt keep up my smile for almost the whole day.. just sitting down and thinking how on earth did this happened? everything was like so sudden and till now i still cant believe wat happened..

its like as if i just had a car accident and is suffering from the aftershock..

aniway i'll continue to try because it'll make her happier..

2009-10-05T01:56:00.005+08:00

hm never expect i will be feeling this again...

hais..

2 words..

心痛。。

心如刀割。。

i duno if it will ever heal and how im gona face the aftermath of wats coming.. the only person i can blame is myself.. why believe? why fall into this pit again when i sworn before to never repeat this again..

im learning from my mistakes again.. this is how people grow...

i'll be a better human.. i know u'll never regret becos i think long ago u've chosen this ending but im so stupid to never see it coming and preventing it from happening..

i can only hope now...
for a miracle to happen...
but i know these hopes are only there to reduce the pain.. they'll not come true..

how i really wish this is all just a bad dream at least i can slap myself up and everything will still be the way it was....

i duno how to make myself better.. trying not to think but the pain cant be removed.. i know when the mental barrier wears out the pain will be doubled or more..

takecare my love :(

2009-09-27T01:42:00.003+08:00

my heart is aching.. i try to breathe harder so maybe the sound from the hard breathing can cover up the feeling.. but its not working...

why is it hurting so bad..

2009-09-20T11:30:00.005+08:00

another quiet day, i woke up but i still feel so tired and dead.. not motivated to do much.. i planned a task list but i didnt even had the mood to do them.. freaking irritating!..

sighs.. wats this heavy, helpless and lonely feeling? dun blame me for being so depressed lately, just hasnt been great...

im struggling to even keep my fingers typing out wat im thinking.. dun even feel like writting them anymore..

2009-09-19T13:33:00.002+08:00

its a very quiet saturday..

yesturday was a shitty day..

2009-06-28T20:41:00.003+08:00

just finish dinner..

aniway i think i shd start spending more time on myself and my own life.. i realize that i duno wat i am doing anymore becos im always doing and following others requirements/expectations.. how can i know wat i enjoy doing or like if i dun even give myself time to be myself?.. but nowadays it seems so hard cos when im alone i dun even noe wat to do.. its like im so used to listening and following to make others feel "good".. im like an idiot uh...

time to be a guy and live like one.. most important is find back myself.. wheres the guy that like to mess with softwares, IT stuffs, innovative ideas etc... or isit becos that time i was single?.. having some serious mental blockage.. i start to question myself alot nowadays... sighs.. aniway dont live for others.. cos one day when the person ur living for is gone.. wat would happen to you?.. u'll just regret and live a miserable life... unless u're sure that the person wont live you and will always be there to support u... till the day he/she dies...

but even so as a guy u're suppose to be a role model for ur kids.. u must be successful.. dont be a loser!!

suddenly i duno how i stand my room and desk being so messy! last time i always clean my room and desk until its dam neat hahas...

alright im going to bath! tmr is another long week in camp.. freaking duty driver on saturday some more.. haiz! this month gona suck.. but well i'll try to be positive and "enjoy" myself in camp.. will take this chance to think more abt wat i want to do...

if its wat i want to do.. and ur other part dont support.. how leh?.. i believe a life partner will have to be supportive of u no matter wat.. and help u out in all situations.. becos if such a small thing also cant do.. wat else can they do in the future for u or together?...

2009-06-25T23:01:00.002+08:00

well.. well.. haha very long nv blog yeah i noe.. somehow my life has been rather off tracked for quite awhile.. nowadays book out i also dun really know wat am i doing.. cos my goal was kinda lost..

very sian.. always doing things half way without achieving the goals.. haiz.. bored.. life without goals is really meaningless..

aniway next month is diffinitely not going to be a good month for me in camp.. due to many new changes coming and wat h1n1 had brought to us.. theres going to be standby teams and stuffs.. sighs.. dam shit lah..

sick and tired as usual.. and as always.. just hope to get thru it.. well heard that our recourse might be during sept or oct.. haiz..

i feel so vexed.. come home also no peace.. so irritating...

lately i've forgotten wat real happiness and peace is already..... even the nicest feeling also felt different now...

wats going on?...

2009-06-25T23:00:00.001+08:00

woot she posted her video back.. cool lols.. the female version is quite nice also mhm..

2009-06-12T20:09:00.002+08:00

just finish a long quarrel with dar.. insane.. ever since 2pm.. wth man.. sighs.. im tired.....

2009-06-12T13:27:00.002+08:00

my mood is in a big stir.. fucking irritated and lack of appetitide nowadays.. sick and tired of alot of shit.. one little thing tend to spark up a nuclear bomb inside..

theres alot of things i dun understand.. but i think im getting used to them.. probably when im immuned i wont bother anymore.. but i can see that this attitude has driven me to be even more sickening then i could ever think of..

im loosing hope and interest.. without a firm support everything just seem meaningless and pointless.. im tired.. maybe this is the last time i bother to think abt doing or starting something..

maybe after ns i will be more exposed to better opportunities to excel.. maybe now is just not the right time.. maybe maybe maybe.... u know wats maybe? its just a way people tend to give themselves hope to continue their struggle for survival and doing things which they arent sure of..

im just sparked off by my mum.. fck up.. keep asking me to eat.. nagging and irritating is deffinitely not the right way to approach a person whom isnt happy..

whens the last time i really happy? totally relaxed.. without my mind keep worrying or thinking about something.. always missing,disappointed,irritated,frustrated,worried bla bla bla... can i have a new cycle? how i wish i can go on a holiday.. with a good mate but sadly i dun think it can be done anytime soon.. chances always come at the wrong time.. i duno if i shd blame fate or human error..

im so fucked that i wish i can just sell my soul to something so i couldnt care and i dont have to.. perhaps sell it to army eh?.. be a servant and just listen to orders... give ur 100% into something fixed.. fucked up! i always hope that would be the last option..

slapping myself cant get it out of this state of irritation.. tmr im just going to stay in bed and rot.. i give up already.. wat for bother to think about plans and shit.. it became a task and i dun even noe wat im doing isit wat i want? but seriously i start wondering wat am i doing.. everyday i wakeup.. wat am i doing? wat for? and why?..

nvm.. i'll stop.. i think this wont get anymore sense if i continue.. i need to cool down..

2009-06-11T01:55:00.001+08:00

Happy 2yr 3mths darling~
u piggie forget again hahas!..
2nd time ler if im nt wrong! hahahs..
piggie!

2009-06-06T10:22:00.010+08:00

i just realize koreans are good at dancing o.o

and you realise they like to have cute catchy moves.. but pretty impressive.. i like their dance step really cute

2009-06-06T09:57:00.007+08:00

lols.. funny yet lame at the sametime lol.. i do respect them for doing and editting thier own video cos its really not as simple as it looked.. good job :)

theres alot of other videos, and some people really give nasty comments lols..

i find this 2nd video funny and pretty well done.. the timing and angle in the video quite well.. and their moves are pretty creative and funny hahas..

Black dress with the tights underneath,
I got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth,
And shes an actress (actress),
But she ain't got no need.
Shes got money from her parents in a trust fund back east.
T-t-t-tongues always pressed to your cheeks,
While my tongue is on the inside of some other girls teeth,
T-tell your boyfriend if he says hes got beef,
That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him.

She wants to touch me (Woah),
She wants to love me (Woah),
She'll never leave me (Woah, woah, oh, oh),
Don't trust a ho,
Never trust a ho,
Won't trust a ho, (cause a ho)
Won't trust me.(whole part x2)

X's on the back of your hands,
Wash them in the bathroom to drink like the bands.
And your setlist (setlist),
You stole off the stage,
Had red and purple lipstick all over the page.
B-b-b-bruises cover your arms,
Shaking in the fingers with the bottle in your palm.
And the best is (best is),
No one knows who you are,
Just another girl alone at the bar.

She wants to touch me (Woah),
She wants to love me (Woah),
She'll never leave me (Woah, woah, oh, oh),
Don't trust a ho,
Never trust a ho,
Won't trust a ho, (cause a ho)
Won't trust me.(whole part x2)

Shush girl shut your lips,
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.
I said, Shush girl shut your lips,
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.
I said, Shush girl shut your lips,
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips...

Woah, woah, woah, Woah, woah, oh, oh, Woah, woah, woah

She wants to touch me (Woah),
She wants to love me (Woah),
She'll never leave me (Woah, woah, oh, oh),
Don't trust a ho,
Never trust a ho,
Won't trust a ho, (cause a ho)
Won't trust me.(whole part x2)

2009-05-19T23:39:00.001+08:00

hahas.. keeping up to date with recent pop songs..
i like the tune of this song, very catchy.. but well this is a modified version lols..
funny xD

2009-05-16T16:18:00.003+08:00

guess im having depression again.. it seems like i've a very weak mind.. i cant take it if certain issues drags over time.. especially stress.. all these need time to learn and get over i think.. depression is just a way the brain uses to let the human escape reality.. its a mental reaction to defend itself? maybe..

the human brain is so complicated.. guess theres no exact reason for each human behaviour.. im such a emo person at time.. there was time where i though of studying psychology so maybe i can understand myself and others better.. but im not sure if this is really what i liked.. as sometimes wat u like isnt what u will enjoy doing forever and when we like something we only see the surface or general view of it but not the process and how it work..

its so hard to come to a conclusion of wat i really like.. sighs.. fuck me.. i dun understand why am i so complex and mess up.. at times i really think that im abnormal.. as if im crazy or unexplainable weird.. isit just me or does other people behave like this too?..

i hate it when my emo side comes in.. sometimes i feel as if i've split personalities.. sighs.. i took out a cup noodle and cooked it but suddenly i dun feel like eating anymore so i gave it to my friend.. my friend think im crazy.. yeah.. another friend said becos my cup noodle in the locker very long already so i dun wan to eat.. that sentence makes me frustrated and i tell him.. i can eat it if he wants me to.. fucking irritated.. sometimes i fucking dont know how the fuck i live with idiots..

maybe thats why my general knowledge seem to be reducing everyday.. i feel im getting more and more stupid each day.. and i feel difficulty living with other when im out of this shit hole.. its like 2 different world...

fucking nuts.. everyone is lazy and not talking abt facts everyday.. just like cleaning the place.. no body cares and they just dump their trash all over.. including their cig butts.. fcking irritating cos i have to do all these cleaning eventually becos my master keep saying im the 'role model' of this place.. keep saying if theres 10 goh yc in this place den good bla bla.. fck.. sometimes i also dont know wat.. im just doing wat i've to do cos this place doesnt motivate me to do more.. people just like to disturb each other for the 'fun' of it.. fuck sia...

sighs.. when im in this state the other sweet nice side seem to just lost itself.. i get irritated easily by the slightest lame joke, bad comments or provoke towards/about me...

it seems like when a person is in this state of depression he gets really sensitive to everything and all the past negative issues will keep appearing in his mind.. in extreme case he will lost his general mind and do things he normally wont do at all.. like smoking or causing harm to themself.. they might not even feel the pain nor fear death...

im at my limits.. i really dun feel like doing anything right now.. just laying around like a dead man.. i wish i could care less but i cant becos its all related to me.. it will always be there until its solved... sighs...

suddenly i dun even noe wat am i writing about.. its like a mental blockage or trip.. suddenly u feel like ur just looking at wats infront of u and u forgotten wat exactly the last second or last thought was about.. ur eyes just stare blankly ahead and u duno wat u see as if ur eyes are closed..

a sec i could be trying to make myself smile a sec i could be thinking abt my nightmares.. as if my feeling has gone mad.. like a robot with a short circuit......

another way i trys to help myself is to keep myself busy and so my mind wouldnt idle and start thinking all over the place.. sighs...

i hope everything will be over soon...

2009-05-11T17:45:00.003+08:00

well been very long since i blogged again.. well ROC seem like a dream now.. its like i never been there at all.. time passes very quickly in taiwan.. becos the weather is cooling and the lifestyle there isnt as busy as singapore.. At least our training area was.. becos its more deserted and not really in the city area.. and mainly populated by elders.. very relaxing life... but of cos in taipei its more busy and similar to sg..

aniway back from ROC had a few days of good sweet rest with darling then bang! im back to reality.. MAY.. im back in camp doing duties again.. shitty.. this whole month all duties.. nxt month probably out field etc.. sighs.. sian..

there seem to be so much unhappiness events taking place this year..

today darling's grandma passed away.. i feel so useless and helpless.. duno how to make darling better.. i guess only time can help now..

sad thing is today is our 26th anniversary too.. will our future anniversaries still be happy?.. i guess everything wont be the same again.. but i hope im wrong..

sighs takecare babe..

2009-04-07T19:13:00.003+08:00

sighs.. going to airport in ard 2hrs time.. gona be oversea for the rest of the month.. im gona miss baby so much.. mehs..

haiz.. hope everything will turn out fine and let the days pass sooner.. its so sad nowadays...

2009-03-08T12:49:00.003+08:00

sighs.. now sitting in this cold office using the stupid com.. feels so sickening..
so tired..

2009-03-08T12:49:00.001+08:00

[12:36] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: yang chun
[12:36] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: when we having 1d3 meeting?
[12:36] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: lol
[12:37] Goh: gt pple organize meh
[12:37] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: me me
[12:37] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: lol
[12:37] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: u now in army or wad?
[12:37] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: derek in army le mah
[12:37] Goh: army
[12:39] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: ohh
[12:39] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: which unit?
[12:42] Goh: stagmont
[12:43] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: ohh
[12:43] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: signal?
[12:43] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: wad is ur contact number
[12:43] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: i see i gather all ppl de will sms u all
[12:43] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: i got onli weijie amber nicholas number
[12:43] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: u got da quan huifang angeline and peiyi number?
[12:44] Goh: ****
[12:45] Goh: nope i dun have, also lost contact
[12:46] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: LOL
[12:46] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: MI TOO
[12:46] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: nvm
[12:46] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: i will try get back
[12:46] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: keep u updated
[12:46] Goh: ok
[12:47] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: my number ****
[12:47] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: u know who i am not?
[12:47] Goh: ya of cos i noe
[12:47] Goh: haha
[12:47] ngzhiwei@hotmail.com: lol

2009-02-28T02:34:00.001+08:00

2009-02-28T01:25:00.007+08:00

finally have time to be home and rest.. im so tired that i dun want to do anything at all.. aniway just finish talking to dar on msn.. everything is fine i guess.. and i hope it would be..

somethings really shdnt be risked.. and i must make sure this is the last time i worry about it.. arghs!..

sibei sian.. at most also can rest for 1 day tmr.. den sunday got to go back camp again... and all the way for 1week + before i can come out again for 1day+.. den go back again for duty.. this is how shit my schedule for the upcoming week till end of march is..

fucking tired.. can i take this as a reason and mia? hah.. maybe im already doing that? but certain things i really couldnt be bothered ler..

where and wat shd i do to find peace and relaxation?.. luck hasnt been great.. bad news one after one.. i wish i can just go into coma and go into a deep sleep without any worries.. but thats not gona solve anything.. neither isit going to make ur life better...

wat can we do? just learn to face the harsh reality of life..

sighs.. recently alot pple seem to have r/s problems.. my camp pple got afew like on the verge of loosing their gf.. but well also cos their gf is fucking cheating on them when they're stuck in camp.. before i book out just nw also got a guy quarrelling with her gf on the phone.. haiz... normal for ns guys i guess?

aiyah! vex ah!.. some good news please??.. tell me i got a godly scrolled eqs.. tell me i picked 1000 dollar note on the floor.. tell me i can step down from duty from nw on... tell me all the positive things!...

doing duty this entire march while dar going to be on holiday.. this is so annoying.. could've spend quality time with her finally without her worrying and stressing abt sch and her multiple tasks on hand.. blah blah blah.. i dont even know how to plan for her greatest bdae now... wat the fck? so much stress acting on me.....

tired! gona bath and sleep! dun even have the energy or mental power to play computer

2009-02-11T23:12:00.002+08:00

sibei sian.. tmd.. feel so dam irritated.. everything isnt right.. fuck up.. at times i really wonder wat the fuck is going on to everything around me...

i dun wana specify now.. fuck up!..
going back camp to sleep!

DULAN!

2009-02-01T10:59:00.010+08:00

i give up.. not gona strive for anything liao.. forget it.. watever it is.. since im always alone.. sleeping shall be my best friend...

everyone has issues, and ur not the only one..

well time to prepare myself for ATEC next week.. its tough but i believe i can get through it :) first time being part of the exercise.. i wonder how its going to be like.. hmm.. im worried but also excited.. cos i want to challenge my limits and see how i can survive..

going out soon for lunch with family.. after that gona start packing my field pack..
i'll stop here..
byes..

The Bottom Line
What someone says doesn't reflect what they mean deep down inside. Call them on it.

In Detail
You're entering a very intuitive phase right now, where you can see the underlying meaning in empty words. You know that what someone says doesn't necessarily accurately reflect what they really mean deep down inside their heart. This ability is very useful, but it can also be very dangerous -- you may sense things that you are not meant to sense. So if you think that powerful people are being disingenuous, be careful how you go about revealing that to everyone else. It could backfire.

2009-02-01T09:03:00.005+08:00

happy chinese new year to all.. this is the first time i feel that cny is so different.. cos i've only have 2 days to bai nian den have to book in.. the holiday mood is still not over den have to go back camp hear pple cursing at us..

sigh.. kinda lost my blogging habits for the past many many months.. everytime i book out theres just alot of things i want to do.. maybe some private time for myself to do what i enjoy.. but time is never enough.. and to achieve something without neglecting another is always an issue..

i know my parents kinda miss me.. but yet im still so cold towards them.. well cos whenever i try they'll shut me out with bad comments.. and it seems like the last one back in my poly days really killed me.. but even so.. i can feel that i still care.. cos afterall they're my parents and im not a bastard.. sighs.. recently.. theres been alot of mental stress on me..

i've to worry about many things.. and wat i can do is probably just focus on one at a time.. im not a multi tasking person.. and i think i'll never be.. good thing is that it makes me focus on a girl at a time and not trying to mess around haha!.. its just how im created.. but it also has its down side.. nothing is perfect..

sighs.. we all know that our parents will leave us sooner or later.. and especially being the only son.. the burden's heavier.. we've to takecare of our parents when they retire, like how they've raised us up.. i feel pain to see my dad still working hard now cos he's still worried about my future.. else he would had retired..

i really wish that i can craft out my future immediately.. im very ambitious.. for watever i do.. its either be the best or dont even try.. at the moment for army.. im not putting in much effort since my future's already ruined the moment i was OOC from bmt.. else i would had probably went to sispec at least.. but well i still appreciate wat life has planned for me.. eventhough everyday we're living in fear and uncertainties.. but isnt that wats army about? preparing us for the worst.. and im not scare to face it..

my mum has been telling me that my dad hasnt been very well nowadays.. often feeling breatheless.. yes hearing this news for any child deffinitely will give them a smack in the head.. *what have u been doing as a son* i feel horrible.. and my dad also talk to me abt my life etc.. everyone thinks that i dont care about my future.. but wtf.. i think of it everyday...

money is getting so important now that its starting to stress me out.. hate it when people bullshit about how money isnt everything.. im the only son and i've to takecare of my parents.. including my wife parent maybe? since shes their only child?.. and also my own family?.. theres many things i've to support.. and also have to prove to my wife relatives that shes better then them financially etc.. all these doesnt come overnight..

i cant get a job now.. as my army duties are unstable.. the only thing i can possibly seek extra cash from is from the net.. but so far everything seem to be falling apart.. sometimes i dont even know wat im doing.. to some people im just wasting my money.. they dont even think that it'll work.. cos i dont know wat they're thinking.. but for me.. im not gona waste all the effort i've put in.. now all i wish is to recover my lost.. its not impossible but i cant do it alone...

everyone wish for sweetness.. but for me i'll rather taste the bitter part first..

*posted some draft.. figured i wont go back and update them fully anyway

2009-01-21T11:55:00.005+08:00

well well.. again there was silence for a long time lols..

same old thing as usual lol.. anyway.. thanks baby for helping me get my helm for my ranger and getting lv92.. thou i wish it was 95 hahah!.. but better then nothing at least im already closer to my second 4th job..

probably gona main this since it seems more useful in a party and bossing.. bahs i'll make another blog just for my maple life..

2008-12-23T23:12:00.003+08:00

woot.. thanks babe for helping me get a new host for my song hee so my blog finally got music again hehess.. babe u shd do the same for ur blog too! keke.. *F2*

well well.. camp is still screw up.. me and another guy got chosen to do admin work! so we been facing openoffice for 2days doing up a new system for him to monitor our vehicles UQM and AVI due dates.. faints.. its really not easy monitoring 100 over vehicles maintenances and servicing..

see until mad.. sighs.. well today we had 10 new drivers posted to us! and 1 new storeman.. so total 11 new guys.. most of them poped from eagles coy.. so well yea quite scary.. well good thing that we got alot of new t-list now.. first time i ever see so many of them being posted in.. and yea the new MTO has also been posted in to replace the last MTO whom had ORDed.. so far he seem quite alright.. i haven interact with him much yet so not sure abt his real personalities...

well aniway its good.. since many of the current drivers will be ord-ing soon.. we are really in need of more drivers to replace them.. else theres really going to be a huge shortage of drivers..

mehhs.. xmas is so near.. about 30mins more and it'll be xmas eve.. cant believe yea.. next year this time i can start to count down to my ORD le!! hehehe.. hopes everything will go smooth and easy for the upcomming new 2009.. but provided that our dear MSG dont make life difficult for us..

thats all for now! :)

P.s: my foot rot until now haven recover!! ahhh so itchy but i cant scratch cos its fleshy! yucks!

2008-12-21T14:18:00.007+08:00

sigh.. keep having nightmare.. cant find peace in everything.. looks like wat happened in camp the past weeks still leave a deep impact on me.. I'm really getting phobia.. sighs.. wat can i do?..
i know what everyone thinks.. "nothing!" that's right.. *smiles*..

just live with it.. life's goes on like how everyone simply said.. sometimes i wonder how is everything is free and easy for them is it because they're not expecting much or putting in much or is it something else i couldn't understand.. and its not that i keep making myself so uptight it.. things just happens and feelings just reacted the way its made for..

all i can presume is everyone has their own issues.. and maybe they just dun wan to show it as much as i does that's all.. and its not that i like to show it.. but even hiding it wont help.. even if i can cheat my mouth.. my face and mood cant lie..

nahs.. anyway found a nice song! i love it..

thanks to kms video for letting me found this awesome track! *F2*

Epik High - One
(so meaningful and emo sobs, im sure it will bring up some feelings to most pple.. i've felt mine did u?)

lyrics~

Time is tickin', T-time is tickin' tickin
Time is tickin', T-time is tickin' away!

Nobody knows about the tears that start pouring down your cheeks, pouring without reason,
or about the broken glass raging a storm in your heart..

Because your wound turned into a sickness, your doors into walls,
And your image in the mirror has become the enemy, you're hurt, right?

Everybody turned a blind eye and left you, left you to suffocate,
Making you choose your end (they're so bad aren't they?). You've lost your purpose to live.

With no road back you'd just wander forever
And your breath would give up before your hope.

Wounds (when you cry), scars (though you try)
and tears (say goodbye) pouring out (the time is ticking).

Having wandered through death (I'll save you)

You are the one!

CHORUS
*When I'm walking through darkness-
(When you're captured in the darkness so is my breath.)
You are my savior!
You, who gave me your hand-
(When the world's doors close on you I'll offer you my hand.)*
You are the one! My savior.

Time is tickin', T-

Your hands that set the world on fire, were the blindfolds over their eyes
That star shining in your eye is "suffering" and it is your city.

Are you still sleeping on your dreams? Counting your remaining breaths? Measuring the depth of your tears?
Is your hope a sinking paper boat? You're sad, right?

Do you wake up drenched in sweat? Is your conscience groveling on the ground twitching?
Do you think this is the end? It's ok. Cuz I understand.

I'm a scar on your broken body, I'll even wipe away the tears hidden in your shattered soul.
I'll clasp your hand in mine and believe in you.

Wounds (when you cry), scars (though you try)
and tears (say goodbye) pouring out (the time is ticking).
Having wandered through death (I'll save you)
You are the one!

*Chorus*
You are the one! My savior.

Are you hurt? Are you scarred? Are you stumbling in the dark?
Are you hurt? (Faith) Are you scarred? (Destiny) Are you stumbling in the dark? (Love)

You're still beautiful to me!
You are the one!

*Chorus*

Time is tickin', T-time is tickin' tickin'
Time is tickin', T-time is tickin' away!
My savior!
One!

2008-12-18T23:32:00.004+08:00

I miss and admire the days when i was still in my early teenage life.. everything wasnt so complicated though i start my emo-ness back in sec sch.. which then caused alot of unhappiness too..

but look where am i now?.. everyday im in deep thoughts for which i dont even know for what reasons.. just seems like these chain reactions wouldnt stop..

its time to stop walking, stay still and look at what i really want..

Go for the Goal..

Fortunate are the persons,
Who in this life can find
A purpose that can fill their days,
And goals to fill their minds!

The world is filled with many people,
Content with where they are;
Not knowing joys success can bring,
No will to go that far,

Yet in this world there is a need
For people to lead the rest,
To rise above the "average" life,
By giving off their best!

Would you be the one who dares to try
When challenged by the task?
To rise to heights you've never seen,
Or is that too much to ask?

This is your day - a world to win,
Great purpose to achieve
Accept the challenge of your goals
And in yourself believe!

2008-12-04T21:55:00.002+08:00

faints.. tried to find a new blog skin but didnt manage to find one thats suits.. guess i'll continue nxt time.. aniway at least i fixed the display picture...

2008-12-03T20:40:00.006+08:00

just got home.. finally.. after a hell of a week.. sighs.. i have never been so totally tired out..

i left the camp with a heavy mind and legs all the way till i reach my gate.. when i open the gate i felt a sense of relief.. thinking yay i finally can rest.. took off my boots.. went to the kitchen and saw my mum all alone at home.. probably ate alone too since theres no one else.. i saw my favourite dish "bbq chicken" and there was one left in the plate.. i feel like eating but my appetitide has long left me after another day of being fucked.. i feel sad that i cant enjoy the food my mum cook all the time becos of all the shit i get.. sighs... it probably taste bitter due to all the sweat and tears i've swallowed...

i felt heart pain and i do pity her.. whenever i wana say nice stuff appreciate her etc.. she turn me off by yelling and nagging at me... so it became a habit that no one will say nice stuffs in the family anymore.. but we do still feel for each other in our hearts..

haiz.. aniway she nagged me about my room.. i went to my room and wow ya she really did a whole lot of cleanning for me.. i do appreciate it alot.. either way i was planning to do it when i book out.. haiz.. i feel sad when she started nagging and stuff.. u know wat u hope for when u get home after a fuck up day?.. a good hug and words of concern.. but yea thats kinda impossible for chinese culture.. cos they're not that open minded.. sighs when she was nagging and stuff i felt so disappointed as always.. cos whenever i need some concern i know my family will never be the one whom will show.. and thats why my family has never been really warmth and nice.. to us its probably just a place for shelter and food.. other then that everyone basically live their own ways.. though im sure in everyone hearts we do think and care.. but wats the point when they dont show it.. or they show it in a way which is hard to accept..

sighs... now to talk abt wat happen in camp..

it sucked badly eversince last monday.. whereby LAB inspection started..

- night out on wed was great with darling

- friday night

- today kana fuck again

- bmt shit on yst

2008-11-23T19:02:00.004+08:00

i know it's been a very long time since i last blogged.. well alot of things happened.. as usual busy like mad in camp and stuffs.. overall struggling to stay alive without getting into unnecessary trouble..

well.. its a emotional sunday.. my mood hasnt been well lately.. and i duno since when it started changing.. maybe after i knew my recourse date?.. haha.. so funny that when i wanted it to come it didnt came.. and when i tot its not going to be near it shot up right at my door step..

well wat can i do.. have to be treated like dog again.. stupid training.. i've been trying to balance the advantage and disadvantages.. but cant seem to find a answer.. i hate it cos i worked so hard.. got through so much crap and in the end my leave and off have to be burnt..

sighs later have to book in ler.. yst still went back to camp for sai kang thanks to stupid LAB check.. next week they coming to check for the entire week.. sighs.. duno how.. and my recourse is like 2 weeks from now.. *sigh* wat to do neh?..

i have no idea.. sigh!.. irritating.. tiring.. i duno if i shd fail FFI anot.. all depends on the MO ler.. my fate is in his hands haha.. but his job is to make sure i go back.. so well actually there isnt a choice at all... watever.. now just have to see if they can let me take leave this 2 weeks.. sighs..

sighs.. tired..

under stress from every espect in my life.. who can understand wat im going thru haha.. maybe they can but wat would they just say the same shit everyone does? hahas.. i dun wana know.....

as i said.. does it matter anymore? so wat if u can measure? wat if theres no more reason for that....

im tired.. theres many thing which im doing and they all seems to have lost its reason and purpose.. tell me something that i've achieved?...

can human achieve thier goals on their own? sighs.. maybe they can but wats the point if they did it alone and theres no one around interested to share and go through it together with him.. but i guess some humans are better then me in a way whereby they dont need people around them.. they just do it to survive...

maybe soon i might learn to be like them..

this is a realistic world... talk with money not ur mouth... u can choose to believe in the fairytales and try to fool urself with hope.. but in the end wat u'll see will just be the bloody truth of life...

sighs im going for dinner already.. i'll continue next time...

this topic is very contradicting and im sure many people have their own feelings and thoughts about it.. but wat i see is just wat i've been going thru and experiencing...

i also wish that life isnt so dark and complicated..

2008-11-10T01:21:00.003+08:00

sighs got home awhile ago.. dam tired but still did some cleaning.. i saw alot of crap which i always kept for memories.. but sad thing is i realise eventually i still have to throw them away as they're piling up..

guess next time i shdnt keep anymore..

aniway this weekend is terrible madness.. i didnt get to rest much.. fri after the course striaght away rush home and prepare then i went out to meet erik and go for our tpt hub west 2nd anniversary at DXO.. well its kinda shit.. aniway after the party i went out to drink with afew of them and went home at like ard 4am.. then wake up the next day evening went for benson bdae party.. then also end at ard 4am..

then today we went out again then dinner went to dar's grandma hse.. hais.. so busy..

im kinda not in the mood to blog nw actually.. so much happened.. and well i just kinda quarrelled with dar 1hr + ago.. was suppose to spend the night at her hse but cos i forgot to bring my stupid camp pass so have to cab home...

haiss think of waking up so early and go for the stupid course make me feel so f up.. aniway quite abit of shit happened at Double O during benson bdae.. we had Kbox at marina before we went to Double O.. then zh as usual.. bought sooo much drinks.. 20 shots at first then follow by 40 40.. teq shots.. really owned.. i almost ko`ed.. did a wrong thing at the wrong time and got fuck by dar.. apparently.. i tot it was fine.. haiz.. duno la.. fuck up...

fine lor nxt time i just keep my hands to myself.. aniway psp gf wanted to make us drink graveyard which i duno why cos its the first time clubbing with her around.. and well dar tot some random girl wan to pick me up... wtf sia.. so she almost fight with her.. and i got fucked.. maybe she tot i was drunk and gona anyhow... haiz...

sibei sian.. duno lar.. cant be bothered... i guess we need to cool down.. we just dont understand each other.. maybe its just really that hard..

i going to sleep liao.. have to wake up at near 6am.. sucks..

2008-10-14T19:03:00.003+08:00

im fucking tired..

although im out.. things doesnt seem lighter at all.. my mood's still as heavy.. and i dont know wat can ease this irritation..

tired tired tired..

i dun even feel like talking..

today had been quite a day..
morning send landrover from seletar to jurong.. PTE Maung was my v.com.. he's a new but pretty interesting guy in a sense.. we wasnt very familiar with the way so just followed closely behind CPL Luxin's rover..

after we reach jurong camp we saw our camp pple at there too for orientation.. so after sending our vehicle we took their 5ton back.. I wasnt very willing as one of the driver in the 5ton is a fcker.. and true enough when he drove us back.. he was speeding like duno wat.. we were fine until he suddenly turn into jalan murai.. fucking shit.. i was like wtf?.. hes bringing us to outfield??.. and he freaking speed inside there for around 20mins before turning out back to the main road.. i was fucking pissed.. cause the 3 of us at the back was being thrown around by the impact.. if it wasnt cause of our seat beats we would had been thrown out of the 5ton.. ccb.. imagine ur whole body just flew up and slam back down on the seat.. repeatedly.. we have to hold on to the seat tight so we wont get any real injuries.. knn sia..

then he was still laughing at the front dont know for fuck.. cfm is purposely one lor.. when we reach back to camp i was on the verge of yelling at him for his actions.. but well Lu xin screamed at him first so well i just ignore that fucker.. aniway after that we all went to report to our sir.. so just see wat he want to do with him..

it was lunch time when we returned.. but cause of this incident i kinda lost all my mood to eat.. and i was feeling uncomfortable too.. its like after a crazy rollar coaster ride.. imagine having all the banging of metals in the back carriage of the 5ton and u been thrown up, down, left, right, center.. zzzz.. no laughing matter when u're the one in that situation..

knn.. even now im feeling abit of headache.. and well becos of that i missed lunch.. and breakfast i didnt ate too.. so just now when i book out i was like all soft.. and ya in the noon i still send vehicle to regent motor for servicing..

fucking crazy day.. not going to include all the little details cause it would be too long and boring.. shit started happening from yesterday.. the detail from morning till midnight.. then this morning i woke up at 6+am so already lack of sleep..

zzz.. then still got pple keep bugging me to help them do duty cos of their personal shit they need to attend.. knn one lor.. when my birthday get burnt i also never go around begging people to help me.. why cant they get some dignity as a man.. fuckup..

i cant stand it when they just stand around do nothing when they see fellow mates being over worked.. then when they get abit of shit they keep finding all sort of ways to get out of it.. pathetic...

theres so much nasty crap about them that i probably cant finish typing.. if u ask me about good points? i seriously cant find any...

im tired..

2008-10-12T12:06:00.003+08:00

sighs.. this weekend passed very fast.. its like i dont know wat exactly i did and its already sunday lol.. sighs.. well at least i get to eat KFC which i was craving for awhile.. but i duno why i cant recall the taste of the chicken in my mouth already..

im so tired yet i cant really rest.. perhaps theres alot alot of things troubling me inside.. sighs.. unsastified?.. the fact that life isnt going the right way.. haiz.. sometimes life really need a balance and at the right time.. like when i eat crackers at the right time it will taste like heaven.. but when i eat it at the wrong time it taste blunt.. mood really does plays a very major role in every activity.. it can either make little things wonderful or great things meaningless and unenjoyable..

sighs.. i mentioned about the new master.. we still dont really know how exactly hes like yet.. as he haven shown his true self.. need like maybe afew more weeks before he really show how he is.. but at this point of time he already made lots of changes to our system.. sucks lor.. and hes pretty strict about certain issues..

haiz.. tmr got detail to changi until late tuesday.. i hope everything will go smoothly..

im feeling very dazed.. like as if my soul is slowly drifting away from my body.. leaving me dead and dry....

sighs.. wat to do...

2008-10-05T02:34:00.002+08:00

just got home from movie with babe... been out since late noon.. went to babe's church for her service.. hmm.. first time...

watched eagle eye.. pretty great action movie.. but i was too tired so i almost doze off.. bahhs..

mehs.. weekends over soon again.. hais.. next week gona face changes again.. sian.. wonder wats my duty for this month gona be like..

2008-09-30T00:45:00.005+08:00

just watched Painted skin with babe.. its a good show but i didnt felt much from it though its a pretty emotional show.. maybe im really zombie liao..

i seriously hate my fellow unit friends.. all stucked up selfish assholes.. and who knows they might even backstab when im not around.. fcking gay guys..

they love to push their task/duty and watever they can thats not to their advantage.. fcking cb.. like this bloody asshole tat im attached together with.. fcker keep asking me to do his 4am duty.. kns.. then can tell me he dont sleep when he book out.. go clubbing, find gals fuck bla bla bla.. sibei fuck up!.. knn so much energy dont sleep then why dont u do ur own fucking duty.. still can say life only once must live to the fullest.. yaya he can enjoy himself by throwing all the sai to other pple to do.. zZz fucking screw up seriously... so power then why dont he fucking do all the work.....

when i ask him help me.. he siam to duno where.. ccb.. fucking angry when he ask me to do again on the 2nd day.. i already let him know very obviously tat i dun wan to do his shit.. but his thick skin so thick tmd.. ccb..

everyone is so cb selfish.. they can leave the thrash in the corridor until the left over food inside ROT and stink the whole place.. ccb! then i have to clear later on.. cb the smell is so erxin until really can puke..

haiz.. dam sian... seriously some guys in the army is fucking gay.. complain sooo fucking much when they got work to do.. then want to push their shit to others.. feel like giving them a hard punch on the face and ask them shut the fuck up and stop pushing their work to others..

fcking annoying seriously.. no one in there is nice at all seriously.. and i always have to try my best to tolerate their nonsense so i wont make any enemies and make my life even more miserable and hard to pass in army..

after tolerating so much shit in there.. i really want to enjoy a peaceful off day when im out.. but very sian.. i always fail to achieve wat i plan to accomplish..

theres so much i want to achieve.. but its either no time or too tired..
zz..

im seriously going crazy if the system dont change for the better.. im returning back to my own camp next week le.. heard master have been posted out and a new one is coming.. i wonder wat kind of new system this new master is going to implement.. haiz.. have to get use to another new system.. is it just mine or the army is full of changes i guess we just have to adapt and get use to it..

theres so much more i want to let out.. but right now im very tired and blank.. cant blog much.. i guess i'll stop here for now...

oh ya.. i haven really wish myself happy birthday during my last update hahas.. well its pathetic that my off was burnt during my birthday week.. i already took off.. but well again got fuck up pple go put me do work.. tell me only until 17 sep 12am.. but end up it lasted the whole week.. i was fucking angry tat time... thats how i spend my 22nd birthday outfield getting bite by mosquitoes zzz.. aniway still thanks to those whom remembered my birthday and making the effort sending me wishes..

thanks to my darling again for the planning etc and to the guys whom made the effort to attend the steamboat.. but actually no need spend so much de silly.. doing something for me in maple is good enough to make me happy... u know wat i want..

some side notes to myself:
update my blog.. the stupid DP link hasnt been updated for ages
update the wishlist and create one for maple
create my goals and etc section..

2008-09-21T13:56:00.002+08:00

hmm.. its sunday again.. sighs so fast.. well in abt 3hrs+ time have to leave house already for cousin's wedding.. all the way until late night.. making the day even shorter..

hais.. then maybe after that have to book in ler.. but right now still unsure isit book in at my current camp or another.. cos next week onwards im attached out for OPS.. hais.. yeah.. gona suck..

hate it when time always passes so quickly when im out of camp.. well.. friday night had steamboat with the guys.. it was pretty cool.. then saturday night baby celebrated belated with me.. she booked sky dinning for me etc.. and after tat we watched Wall E.. it was nice.. ^_^

thanks baby for everything.. though i wish i had a longer weekend with her...

due to my OPS starting next week i wont be able to have much free time again.. sighs.. and no more weekends probably.. haiz.. dam sian...

mehs aniway i'll stop here for now..
thanks darling again for everything..

huggies.. u're the best!

2008-09-14T20:35:00.004+08:00

mehs.. very long never blog liao.. cos NO TIME!!!.. my life have been so hectic since july.. insane!.. when i finally have my free time.. im already zombie-fied.. basically just sit down and daze in the air.. freaking retarded i tell you.. its dam depressing to go through this kinda treatment.. maybe other people dont mind but i mind.... its driving me nut-sy!

not to mention that i've been doing sai for 1mth striaght in camp last month.. and now got so much more to do.. still lacking rest... when im out of camp finally i feel so dreaded to do anything.. sighs!..

aniway i'll blog more soon! i hope next week i can come out for my birthday.. hope they let me take my leave..

sorry to the few of my friends whom have been wanting to catch up with me when im finally out of camp... im really very tired.. i hope you all understand... i'll try to make it up if you all and time allow me to.. sob..

i really felt bad for missing out alot of my friend's birthday etc.. hais i used to be there with them almost every year..

last but not least.. Jiayou darling for your exams next week! i know u're very tired yet u always force urself to accompany me etc.. i can feel it.. sob.. thanks baby!

sobs im so glad to have you with me...
please take good care of urself ok..
love u!

2008-08-15T15:12:00.001+08:00

hais so sian.. suddenly feel like starting a new blog.. but this time it wont be a private blog.. hmm.. this coming book out i'll spend sometime alone to brainstorm.. it doesnt work to rely on others..

one must fight for his own happiness.. im starting to visual a new path in my life with more opportunities for myself..

freedom and happiness is worth it to fight for! cant be bothered abt other issues..

though ive been saying similar stuff for ages without much changes.. i think im starting to know whats holding me back..

this time perhaps the change might be alittle more significant.. hmm.. wish i could manage everything on my own.. dam ns.. i wasnt a very shary individual to begin with... mmhm.. still thinking how to make life happier without affecting my goals.. its time i realize that my life belong to myself and im not subject to comply towards others demands or request thats not going to give a positive impact on my reality...

give urself a chance to be free yc..

2008-08-13T12:19:00.000+08:00

finally i manage to login using my hp.. been having problem the past week logging in.. bah but nw i forgotten what i wanted to blog :x

aniway just some updates..

as usual time always flies when i bk out and crawls when im in camp.. haiz.. nth much i can do but to walk a step at a time..

well sch going to start very soon for darlìng.. guess maybe just another gd weekend together or so before she start getting busy with sch..

sighs.. watever it is i appreciate everything that she've done for me eversince i got into ns..

hugs.. haiz i miss her...

2008-07-18T14:12:00.000+08:00

wow here i am again.. after nt posting for so long.. im blogging using my hp.. lol.. haiz.. so sian.. today is fri ! suppose to be a happy day cos can book out.. but sadly my weekend's burnt! haha.. pathetic.. many more will come coz we are part of the duty team now.. haiz..

sianz! haiz.. darling is still sleeping.. hmm.. wonder wats draining all her energy..

well i tink life here might start to be better.. but recently just got abit more irritating due to our new dy.. haiz..

the guys are all talking bout gals, ghost and other lame stuff etc.. funny conversations haha.. i gained new knowledge by listening to them all day..

aniway just cant wait to book out lol.. but still long.. haiz!..

hoping for some special or surprise to get me out of this dull mood...

2008-06-14T01:52:00.003+08:00

been so long since my last entry..

well becos lots of things happened during this period and most of them i guess theres no point writing about..

sighs.. theres been some changes in lifestyle lately due to certain incident and everything just isnt the same anymore.. though as much as i wish for things to be the same again.. i can only hope..

im just tired.. maybe?.. tired of handling so much at a time... some keep saying that i can make it and stuffs.. but its all blind meaningless words.. who couldnt say those simple words?..

i'm struggling as much as i dont like to show.. becos even if i talk about it.. people are just going to say the same old thing... isnt it boring?.. as much as i can find myself irritating to repeat..

sighs.. same old thing going on with my instructor and he keep pushing me for things.. haiz.. long story.. next time i shd learn not to be so honest...

well the course is ending soon.. and well lifes going to change again.. everything... i wonder whats coming ahead.. everyday just pushing myself.. sometimes i wonder wat am i doing.. so wat if i get thru this?? suddenly everything just seemed so meaningless and pointless to me...

hais.. how bad do i feel inside of me? and who can really accept wat im facing and not treating me like i can pull through all things in life..

the worst is empty promises.. disappointments.. why do people have to say things and forget about them or fail to carry them out on time....

i hate myself man.. the magazine says list out the positive side in u and not the negative side.. but my positive side just gives me more negatives results.. i wonder when then i can be free from myself...

haiz.. im not happy.....

if this is just a temporary thing.. i wish for it to pass asap...

aside from the unhappy things.. some good one will be cooking for dar for our anniversary... hugs...

goodnight..

2008-06-11T02:12:00.003+08:00

happy 15th mth anniversary darling~

im glad u finally out of the place after dragging for so long and me nagging at u for so long as well.. now i just wan u to recover from ur sickness.. and learn to let go of those tramas u holding on.. becos its not healthy to u and it can cause problems to us as well..

take good care of urself.. i guess things going to change again when u go uni.. and dun tell me it wont becos we've seen wat happened before when u told me nths going to change the last time..

i just have to prepare myself mentally..

*belated post* 14/6/08

2008-05-25T18:36:00.000+08:00

sighs.. this week was awfully hard to get through.. after the long weekend last week it really felt like im back to the day i first enlisted... its so painful and miserable.. miss darling alot and was not motivated at all when i was in camp.. and when im alone and free i just dazed and think of the time i had with darling.. everyday night i just wana sleep early so that the days can pass sooner..

sighs.. this week onwards going to be tougher with more training and events on the que..

well time flies its evening again.. im was on msn and talking to zn about NS stuffs.. lol.. they're going to ORD le! so good lol.. i still have a long way to walk..

this is life lols.. anyway.. its another short weekend.. but at least i still get to meet up with darling.. lol.. i should start learning to be sastified easily i guess? *look around*.. i always nag that the weekend is too short blah blahs.. if i dun start to learn i will be nagging all the way till i ord =x bahss..

what if one day i become immune, heartless and dont feel anything anymore?.. if that happens.. that wouldnt be me ler...

i've seen alot of things during these months in NS.. seen alot of different guys and proves to me again how nasty and evil people can get/be.. the strong bully the weak blah blah.. its always like that..

im not surprised.. becos all these were wat i see in life.. it just made me feel that my senses and views were right most of the time.. i hope i can see some exceptions sometimes.. those are the real surprises... haiz..

so well.. yst i met up with baby.. then we had the usual weekend feast.. feast on watever thing we can grab lol.. insane.. then we watched movie and spent time together... almost felt like im back to the life i used to have with her before i enlist.. but i know i have to face reality...

darling had to work.. so we had to say goodbye shortly after we woke up today.. sighs.. another cycle of seperation.. everything was as normal.. then i had to do abit of admin work for my mum.. i normally hate to do things on weekend after being slaved and pushed around for the entire time in the army..

aniway hugs.. takecare my love.. the path ahead of u isnt going to be alone with me by your side.. i may not be the best at times but my love for you will always be true and warm.... at times i guess we both couldnt understand each other due to our individual problems in life.. but im sure we will improve over time...

thanks for everything once again baby.. i really appreciate and cherish all the time i have with you.. i hope u can see and feel my love too... not just through these words but physically and mentally too...

thanks for the peach drink,the snacks, booking the movie and also the maple session.. it was fun.. all i can be upset is that time wasnt kind enough.. congrats on lv62 darling.. im still hoping to see you priest since the last time i said so but take ur time im not like before le...

maybe we'll be able to get all the anniv items before it ends o.O lol!.. hugss..

muacks.. jiayou darling..! i hope i can be there for your graduation next friday! if i cant make it.. please must remember to take many many photos ok? i want to see u on the stage.. best if u can take video hee.. so i can see everything..

hugs!.. im so proud of u my love!.. u worked so hard for your course!.. muacks!.. i cant wait for the next weekend to come! i missing you so much already darling! sighs how am i going to survive this coming week?.. i dont know how... but i have to.. cause im not giving a choice.. sighs!.. damm NS... =(

baby's so busy at work.. guess shes going to end very late tonight again.. hope she'll remember to takecare of herself.. sobs.. *cuddles*

2008-05-11T16:57:00.002+08:00

for the past few hrs i've been dazing and stoning..

i feel so extremely lonely nowadays... esp after baby start to work.. sighs....

very depressing today.. i think of next week i feel even more unmotivated.. i need to find back my source of strength...

i need to be stronger.. i cannot be so weak! i cannot give in to the darkness.. the line between darkness and light is just a step away.. i need to be the person i use to be..! outgoing, crazy, wild and wtf else that i used to be..

im just someone who's unmotivated, lifeless, aimless, living in solitude blah blah blah... i can name alot of negative points and see no positive points which i can use to redeem myself..

although i know i am just saying all these out in pure agony trying to make myself feel better.. i still holds on that one day i will change and improve.. im sure everyone around me is sick and tired of my emo-ness.. for years.. i've wanted to change.. but look where am i now? still the same personality isnt it?..

but now under harsh environment... i've to fight for my own life.. no one will lend u a hand becos this is life.. the weak will always be despised by others in the real world.. the road ahead no matter how rough it is.. it still have to be walked upon using my own pair of legs...

sighs..

加油吧！我希望将来有一天我会改变我对人生的看法而变成一个开心和充满信心的人。。

2008-05-11T13:56:00.002+08:00

darling just left.. im back to my ownself lols.. just like a dream uh.. hais.. theres this evil side that keep wana take over me..

im so tired...

cant be bothered anymore.....

just going to stone and daze for now till i can see the light again...

2008-05-11T08:44:00.002+08:00

happy 14th anniversary darling..

its pathetic that we cant celebrate again on the day itself and have to celebrate it on the next weekend if possible.. haiz...

sighs.. woke up awhile ago.. its sunday again.. haha.. im getting sick of this miserable cycle.. and as usual.. life continues..

this weekend was even shorter then before.. i didnt get to do much with darling except for eating and going through some animes.. and darling suddenly got recalled back to work place at night for really stupid reasons.. haiz!..

even on our one and only day together they also want to interrupt.. im really frustrated and disappointed.. though hrs later darling came back.. but it was already so late.. then in the night i had a horrible gestric pain.. after darling help me put on some oilment i fell asleep.. so didnt get to talk to darling etc also.. haiz..

it sucks when u look forward so much towards the weekend then it turn out to be not pretty much what u expected.. sighs.. bad news always have to come when we're finally together..

sighs.. i dun wan to say too much.. as some of these i think are rather private and better to be kept in my thoughts..

overall.. im feeling shitty.. my instructor always like to put me down.. but watever he said wasnt just emptiness.. actually its real and wat i always felt so.. although nowadays i try to ignore his words and react with just a smile or saying something to change the topic.. but still his words still lingers around my mind..

i need to be tougher mentally.. this is just the beginning.. i see everyone else who is coping so well with life in there.. most of them are just pure bastard.. just making use of each other etc.. being thick skinned is a very important asset to survive..

everyone in my current course is messed up.. everyday im facing monkeys and really not much difference comparing to a zoo.. so well i just sit there and stone my time away when im not involved in training and when darling's busy.. its a really horrible time i tell u.. haiz..

theres alot of negative thoughts.. but i dun feel like typing them out cos its just gona make me seem like a retard whiner again.. i'll just continue to contain them inside me and fight against them before they can consume me..

in conclusion i feel that im losing my emotions.. and starting to feel even more numb towards everything....

next week going to be another long week.... no nights out due to some monkeys fighting and smoking on non smoking day.. sighs..

get ready to count down for another 6 days...

darling is still sleeping now.. i duno wat time she need to go to work.. and i dun feel like knowing.. whenever i hear abt her work it just makes me boil especially on how her superior treating her.. but i also know its going to be good for her if she can get through this miserable period.. i just need to accept the sacrifises required.. im not going to disturb her since shes not in a good condition due to certain issue..

takecare my love.. i hope everything will be better..

i know this entry is so dull and dead.. becos thats exactly the kind of mood i've been going through....

2008-05-04T19:27:00.002+08:00

sighs its sunday again.. so miserable.. no matter how much darling and i try to cherish our moments together.. time is never enough.. since the beginning of our love story time has never slowed down for us both..

but time always move so slow when we're apart.. so annoying.. sighs..

its going to be a tough week ahead.. with babe busy with her work schedules on the 5th and 9th etc.. and my super long weekdays of endless training and facing sacastic remarks every moment from my instructer.. but no matter wat i still have to hold on to all these shit and wish for it to be over.. its the same feeling over and over again everyday.. and even weekends.. its always the same good bye and pain...

sighs.. it felt like as if its been afew months of crap life.. but the fact is.. its not even 2month in this crap hole... i've just gotta drag myself on longer.. and wish for the days, weeks and months to get pass faster..

takecare darling! i know this weekend wasnt so pleasant cos of ur family problems and i know u've problems and stress with ur work too.. thanks for being there for me eventhough u're suffering urself.. sighs.. i know im grumpy at times as i think about the agony on the oncoming weekdays and stuffs.. and im thankful that so far u've been understanding towards my emotions and continue to support me with everything..

thanks darling.. u really meant so much to me.. sigh... alright i got to go prepare ler.. its late..

love you darling! hugs! hope time will pass sooner.. i know its sad for us next week.. since u've to work on sunday... sighss..

2008-05-04T07:29:00.002+08:00

well darling is sleeping now and i just finish bathing.. sleepy.. but well i guess i will blog abit first before joining darling..

hais.. well things as usual was pretty suay for me.. but luckily i still manage to force myself pass them.. i hope next week i will still be able to force it through.. but definitely going to be harder as standards and expectations will be more then ever.. and we'll be having our HSP test next friday.. i hope i can pass it on my attempt so i dont have to get RT..

sighs but next week darling wont be able to be with me on sunday ler.. she got work on that day.. and its our anniv day too.. sighs.. makes me feel not motivated for next week..

hais.. sian.. it abt 12hrs time i will be getting ready to book in le.. so retarded.. hope time will pass faster.. everything is still so unpredictable for my NS life.. and im just looking forward to the end of each day thats all..

sians.. okie i think i'll end here.. thanks darling for accompanying me throughout this weekend.. hugs! love you darling!

2008-04-27T17:38:00.002+08:00

well.. finally..

its the weekend again.. but in a blink of an eye.. its gone soon.. in about 4hrs time i will be back in my bunk.. doing area cleaning as theres going to be inspection on monday.. haiz.. the S.C bunk is so freaking dirty.. makes me wonder how are we going to clean.. but even so theres no excuse for us not to do..

about saturday.. i gave darling a little surprise.. though its just a simple and small one.. i hope i really did surprised her.. i went to her hse and its really nice to see her face and feel her warmth against my chest again.. silly darling was preparing to cook lunch for herself at that point but she stop to watch naruto together with me on her pc... *silly darling actually downloaded naruto for me to watch.. so sweet of her.. thanks baby..*

after sometime.. we went out to eat something we both liked and took a walk around but sadly didnt manage to get anything.. we went back earlier to rest as i got gestric flu then we went out again at 7+pm for the night events..

thanks darling for planning saturday night events as our belated anniv celebration.. i really really appreciate it alot.. though i was quite disappointed that i didnt get to bring u go ecp for cycling and have our ice cream due to time limits.. hais... nvm i'll make sure the next round i'll be able to bring u..

it brought back alot memories to have our dinner at the same restaurant where we celebrated our first anniversary.. thanks darling.. it was sweet of u.. but sadly we were both disappointed with the change of taste in the dishes.. looks like they have changed new cooking chief..

but having dinner with darling im already very happy ler.. but at the same time very sad.. cause i know time wouldnt stop...

we left shortly after dinner so we have time to walk around.. we went to marina and walked around.. it was very loving and sweet.. hugging baby and holding her as we walked from point to point.. it felt so nice but at the same time it hurts inside of me.. becos i know soon all these will end with a good bye and i have to endure again till i can see baby.. sobs..

went to the arcade and baby as usual was so good with the games lol.. so proud of her.. after that we went to watch doomsday at 11+pm.. and end at around 1:30am.. sighs.. its the end of saturday then.. went to baby house grab all my bags and things before we both went back to my hse.. sighs.. we slept at around 4+am if i remembered correctly..

sighs.. then in the morning.. we hugged again.. before i have to say goodbye to darling as she got to reach work place by 1pm.. its always so painful to say goodbye.. the kind of feeling like ur lungs and heart have been squeezed... sobs..

sighs.. now its 6:08pm ler.. as im finishing this entry.. sighs im missing baby so much..... next week wont be a very good week for me... i hope i can endure through all the mental torture again... its so unbearable at times..

sobs.. i miss you darling! please takecare of yourself my love!
love you always! hugs!

2008-04-15T16:17:00.004+08:00

well.. finally.. i can sit down and write alittle..

theres so much thoughts going on.. and everything is sad ones.. even now i dont know how i can say everything out.. becos theres just too much too much...

sighs.. talking abt NS life.. its totally messed up now.. all becos i didnt care abt wat im doing.. but just looking out for each book out to be with darling again.. now i made another grave mistake.. giving myself even more stress and tension to cope with..

coping with love sick is seriously hard enough.. now i have to cope with so much other issues.. im really going mad.... sighs...

真的好累好累。。我的心好痛。。想到我要忍受两年的折磨。。我就真的好想放弃。。但我又不能。。这种痛苦是说不出来的。。我真的快疯掉了！！

sighs i really duno wat else to type already.. it just sucks..

listen to this sad song..

i miss u day and night my love.. nothing can change/stop this fact.. theres nothing in this world that can ease the pain except the silly smile, sweetness, love and everything of yours.. your my only cure darling.. but sadly theres always obsticles trying to seperate us apart....

2008-02-04T22:17:00.000+08:00

life is unpredictable..

thats why dont put too much hope on it.. because just when you think you can sit back and have a cup of tea.. something might just struck you without hesitation..

sometimes i rather just walk around feeling depressed rather then to feel positive.. because whenever you let your guard down.. bad things will always find their way through and causes destruction..

i try to find a comfortable road for myself.. but i always encounter people that like to blow up this road.. so i have to walk a road created by them..

sighz.. i seriously forgetting how happiness feels like.. wats so called xin fu.. define these please..

at this age already facing so much challenge and obsticles.. makes me wonder hows life going to be like.. many years later?.. when you have your own family and you have to take care of your parents as well.. etc.. more responsibilities and devotions and with these comes greater worries and problems..

what happens if this happen? what happen if that happen?...

feeling so blank these few days.. starting to question myself even more about many things.. why am i doing this.. why am i doing that.. blah blah..

sickening.. when can i get out of this misery.. sighz..

i hate to live by each living day and seeing all the foreseen events happening one after another.. and yet i can do absolutely NOTHING to prevent/stop or changing them..

sighz.. and im getting out of my dam job! i know i've said this countless times.. but hey i've already told everyone that i want to leave.. but they fucking keep dragging and dont let me off.. i wish i can just leave but i dont know how and my fcking payslip still need them to sign to approve.. so zzzz.. its as if you better work or i dont sign your payslip..

fck it.. which fucking part time do such a kind of intense work with that kind of pathetic pay!.. tmr i going to throw all the shit to the replacement!.. she better learn it fast this time cos im not going to be patience with her anymore!.. shes taking so long to learn basic things which i learnt within a week.. and shes getting more pay then i am.. so fuckup..

sighs nowadays even blog also cant make me release my anger and problems.. im feeling harder and harder to express myself each time..

Argh..
i've had it! enough is enough!

living in pure agony everyday........

2008-02-04T20:34:00.000+08:00

meeps..

today pretty much of a dazing day.. the weather last night was so cooling and nice.. but sadly babe has to go home.. else can cuddle XD..

i must say that the last weekend is a pretty enjoyable one with babe.. its been SO long since babe can spend the entire weekend with me.. so darnnn long... thanks to FMS! give so much stupid project and craps.. worst is her group members..

haiz.. but at least now shes almost done with them.. but on the other hand.. also sad.. cos when shes done.. its also almost time for me to enlist..

sighz.. sad..

i spent alot of my time waiting for zakum.. and when i manage to get in.. my graphic crash on me.. its gay man..

Zakum!

Horn Tail!

KoreaMapleStory Horn Tail!

2008-01-28T19:20:00.000+08:00

sian.. just got back from work!.. and just afew step away from my door.. i accidentally dropped my k800i onto the hard solid road.. kns.. now got obvious scratch!! ahh kns bth!! hate it when things i like become imperfect.. i so feel like changing my dam phone right away...

arghs! so dam clumsy today.. just now only wan to take key from my bag then hp drop zzz... knss... Arghs!.. when a person lack of sleep.. shit tends to happen even more.. shdnt had slept at 5am last night =x.. somemore today i reach workplace at 10am.. saii....

sighhhx... fck! i want change HP soon!... arghs!

2008-01-27T17:04:00.001+08:00

dam sians...

this weekend is the most worst.. i just aimlessly go thru each day.. it as if waiting to die likedat.. 'touch wood'..

sighs a person feels sian.. its either becos hes really too free.. or too trouble with issues..

obviously im not free.. to think about it.. who in the life of 20's can still feel free and easy?.. sighs.. aniway we always think that our life is fcked etc.. but actually theres much more people in less fortunate places that have so much more to go through and we will have to be ashamed to know that wat we went thru is not even 1/10 of wat they had been thru..

we always think that we only enter the real working world at 20ish.. but i was astonished when i knew the culture in india is to start working at the age of 16 - 17.. and their culture were very strict.. dating etc isnt wat you see as commonly in sg.. and not to mention they're not that developed in certain place..

fyi.. i heard this from an indian colleague of mine.. and it seems that all the colleague from overseas will tell me that sg is a very good place.. everyone says its not safe to go out at night in other countries.. as if theres gona be vampires roaming around the streets.. but when everyone agrees on the same point i cant admit to say i believe.. but they also mention that its how you adjust to it.. if you can adjust well of cos nothing really bad is going to happen..

but come to think of it.. we as singaporeans have been spoiled.. so badly that we dont take security to much importance.. we have taken alot of things for granted.. we can hang out late at night without worrying much.. but we need to know if we go overseas we cant really bring this sg mindset along..

lately been exchanging topics with my colleagues.. all have given me interesting and shocking advices.. i must say i feel like a total useless bum if i have to compare to them.. they had achieved so much more then wat i had even at my age..

2008-01-26T02:20:00.000+08:00

sighs.. its finally weekend.. but yet.. i know its not going to be a good weekend..

babe is still busy with her filming.. seriously i feel like yelling at her friends.. cos they're all fckers.. zZz.. always dun wan to do work etc.. and babe also so kuku to do all the work for them and making herself so worn out.. even heavy equipment also no body wants to take.. and my babe will always be the one taking them.. even after me telling her so many times NOT to do it..

end up she dont even have much energy to do anything with me.. and always have aches all over when we finally able to meet up.. always likdat.. i feel as if she devote too much into the project and when i meet her.. shes already half dead.. its like if u're looking forward to something but then when u see it.. u get disappointed becos of all the bad things..

zzz... there isnt much more time left before i enlist.. and it seems like i cant even do much with my gf.. shes so tired after all her shit work and everytime she has to push herself even more if she wants to spend time with me.. i seriously dont like it!..

eventhough yeah i know shes doing it for me.. but still? i dont like it becos shes pushing herself and end up being even more tired etc.. it just sucks.. think about it...

yeahs i can keep myself entertained.. but its not helping.. nowadays i feel more and more retarded.. i start to question myself.. and maple is stupid to play alone.. everytime i get fed up when shit happens in maple and im always the only one there... when im in a party how i wish the priest is babe and not just another random...

sighs.. im not happy! but yet i cant express them out.. but on the other hand.. even if i can express it.. does/will it change anything?.. i guess not...

im just ranting now becos it sucks.. everything sucked.. i have yet to update wat happened at work place.. when i got time then i will update..

as it get nearer to my enlistment date.. everything just seem to get even more serious to me.. and little promises do make a big difference..

i dont know how to explain but nevermind.. perhaps all these is just becos i got overly concerned and it turn out with side effects..

aniway this post is just a rant for myself.. so i can relief some unhappiness...

2008-01-22T12:18:00.003+08:00

I love this song! so addictive.. the beats and everything.. it has a deep feeling if u listen it with ur heart....

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

2008-01-20T14:45:00.000+08:00

yawns so tired.. dam jialet lol nv work out nwadays.. yst go walk around in town only then now feel so tired..

lol! jialet.. i need to resume my biking habits.. but first i need to service my bike lmao! so long nv touch duno still safe to ride anot.. sians..

aniway yst watched Body #19 with the guys.. lol its the 2nd time im watching and i still get owned at certain parts.. seriously i think its a good movie and i recommend all my friends to watch it.. esp horror film lovers..

seems like nowadays we can only trust Shutter director.. his movies are always full of surprises and suspenses.. i learned my lesson lol and i will not watch other Thai horror movies except those by Shutter director.. lol.. cause i watched another Thai horror movie call 'the house' and its... BORING.. stupid lame crap..

dam sians.. everyday i linger around without knowing and understand myself.. sometimes i feel that im living for the sake of responsibilities.. im not really fighting hard for a target.. its sad..

the major problem is not knowing how to bring out my feelings.. as if im stucked in a shell.. its so tourment to live and not being to express yourself..

guess the goal for this year will be..

Learn to be myself..
Understand myself and my surrounding..

tmr is another long week of work.. hais.. another no life week.. i'll try to find some excuse to get my manager permit me to leave the dam work.. sometimes people think its so easy.. "just tell ur boss you dont wan to work or dont wan to continue"..

but just say out i dont want to work liao isnt as easy as it seem.. thought i already indirectly state that i dun wan to continue but he keep insist on me to stay and help.. and its so hard to reject cos i dun have a strong valid reason..

but its kinda hard for me.. maybe its just ourselves thats creating all these shit.. cause we know we want to quit.. but yet we still holds on to the responsibilities that we've taken over.. how i wish i can just be selfish right lol.. like how people can striaght away reject things or avoid responsibilities just because they dont want or lazy..

saying the word NO is so simple for them.. while people like myself think about so many factors and try to make the right choice.. which often doesnt really benefit myself.. so idiotic.. guess everyone on earth can never think the same way else it will be horrible.. there must be a balance...

but now it seems like the balance is disrupted thats why u see so much war and shit going on.. people are getting more corrupted each day.. even pri sch kids now know how to scold vulgarities which i only learn in sec sch.. i wont be surprise that sexual activities wont only start in sec school but even pri sch..

sick shit man.. everyday when i look at those teens nowadays.. i look back and dont even remember myself being such fck when i was their age.. but yea this kinda thinking shd be removed lol.. else we will be like how we always kp with our parents last time.. say they outdated.. lao gu dong etc.. cos they also always scold us say last time they never do this and that.. lol..

realistic way of saying is... this is a life process and people changes.. every fcking living thing changes everyday and its a process that we HAVE to accept even if its irritating to us or watsoever..

doesnt it make you wonder wat exactly is life abt? its as if its a training simulation to let you go thru this process and you cant get out till you die..

born.. study.. work.. marry.. family.. death..

its so disturbing...

im trying so hard to not think about stuff but i just cant stop or control it.. try until i feel as if my head going to explode.. sighs..

im so tired..

i need to find new and more things to keep me occupied and happy so i can distract myself from thinking too much....

conclusion is.. first i need to get out of my fcking job! cos thats one of the major depressing thing im going thru daily now.. sickening.. guess i have to think of a strong valid reason and tell my dam boss.. zzz.. i dont want to be trapped in this shit till end of feb!..

wish me luck... or can any experienced office employee can teach me how to resign? =(

2008-01-17T15:38:00.000+08:00

sighs..

im fucked man.. still thought i can get out of this shit work by end of Jan or early Feb.. but after talking to my 'manager' he just treat it as if i said im going to work till end of Feb.. because the dam replacement who is going to take over my job is only joining on the 21st FEB! and when i ask him how come so late then he say i'll still be around mah.. wtf?!.. And now i have to work at Bugis office starting next week.. zzz.. i hate Bugis.. tmd.. always go mrt will see all those teens... xialan kias.. ginas and esp those that hang out with a bunch of girls and acting big.. wah piang eh really bth zZzz.. teens nowadays.... and well Bugis also means that i need to go work earlier! and reach home later.. zZzz.. SIANS!

sighs.. why so suay!.. kan sian ah! work work work... until i going mad! fcking low paid job for such stressful work.. i hate my working environment! so wat if its a job people cant easily get?.. all i know is i dont enjoy working in that environment.. ccb no friends no nothing.. all adults.. i feel like a retard everyday..

everyday go there and sit in a environment filled with phone calls and business discussions.. having lunch alone.. and when i cleared my work.. i have nothing to do but sit there and rot for the rest of the day.. when i decide to slack and get out of my desk for abit i will come back to see my mailbox get bombed with new emails and miss calls but if i sit there and stare at the mailbox then i dont get anything wtf.. feeling tired also cant sleep cos my environment all filled with full time hardworking fellas..

go work have to squeeze with pple in mrt.. go home also.. omg lor.. will go mad.. somemore so many cb in mrt.. alot people dam irritating.. and it seems like mrt have a virus.. if you take too long with those kind of people you will get irritated even more easily..

and early morning always see old uncles and weird people.. kns duno what they doing also.. but alot pple dam zzz.. its fck up!.. experience yourself and tell me.. cause maybe only me will have this problem?..

watever it is... this sucks man! NO LIFE! fck i want to rest and enjoy my last bit of freedom!!

if this is a slackish job.. then maybe still alright.. but fck.. its not!.. ccb man alot people like to push the work around.. or never do properly and throw it to you to complete.. and being a sandwich you cant really do much but just do watever is given.. but cb when not done properly u will get blamed.. and some work they delay until very long then deadline come liao they dump it to you and ask you expedite it so that it can be processed by the weekend.. giving you afew days to decide the fate of the project whether it will have to be delayed or able to proceed on time.. and sometimes all these dates will affect business operation and reputation.. so if you fckin slack off or fail to expedite it on time.. fck? blame back to u lor.. cos u're the one appointed to expedite the shit.. average work takes around 1 - 3 WEEKS to complete or approve.. sometimes these people just throw it to you and expect you to expedite it so it can be completed within afew DAYS.. %@#!$!~

sighs.. think liao also sian.. fcking agency also scam me.. say nv take commission.. lan lor.. duno how much they suck out of my salary zzz..

THIS SUCK! no need think of enjoy, relax or do watever with my dar liao lar.. just fuck it and go in to die in army.. this is call LAN LAN!..

HOPE always turns out as disappointments.. so why even bother to HOPE! just accept watever come in your way even if its SHIT! EAT WAT U HAVE AND ALL YOU CAN!!

so pissed off....

zZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2008-01-16T17:13:00.000+08:00

random surfing and found this great cosplay.. their styles and clothing were all well done! some of them were so real until it look almost exactly like the animated ones and it makes anime looks as if they're real lol..

great background and sceneries used wonder how they find it..

many thumbs up! those pple really did great with the cosplaying.. <3 their style and everything.. awsome-ness! RAWR!!!!

wish i can cosplay like them too :(..

pokes my fringe.. grow faster! before u all have to be cut and shaved :(..

2008-01-11T15:31:00.000+08:00

Happy 10th Anniversary Darling =)..

Hugss :) love you!! hehes.. thanks for the present xD

2008-01-07T16:27:00.000+08:00

Happy new year everyone..

sighs.. scary.. its 2008 le.. fast uh.. this year count down feels totally different.. isnt as exciting as it use to be.. still remember 2007 count down was so crazy.. lols..

aniway yeahs now we get older and older each year.. life of the 20's really is different.. sighs.. things are moving rapidly around us and it seems like we cant take time off them..

sucks.. sucks..

everything changed.. including myself.. though now i change in a way that i became more ignorant towards everything.. when last time i cared too much.. and bring myself so much troubles and problems..

but being ignorant has its own side effects as well.. i didnt made myself change.. i just gradually changed.. being cant be bothered to do anything liao.. sighs.. suddenly im scared of myself.. because my mood is so unpredictable.. a simple thing can change my mood.. i get irritated easier.. and i start to become over realistic.. things that i know or foresee i dont even wana try..

duno how to explain exactly wat im feeling.. but its just bad and nasty shit.. all these changes starting to change me into a cold and emotionless person.. i hardly feel much nowadays..

all i can feel is the dull side of life and how miserable loneliness feels like..

sighs... sickening..

seriously if i cant get out of this.. i duno how much these effects gona change my life.. isit becos of my work now? maybe?.. the urge of feeling helplessly stuck in a shit.. bound by responsibilities... and NS...

sighs.. so lost.. i dun even understand myself.. so i dun expect others to do so.. all i want is they can just stop being retards..

how strong a friendship is, isnt measured by how often they meet up.. to me its more then that.. a friend that meet up 7/7 doesnt mean that he/she could be a true friend.. i dont understand why some of my "ex" friends has to give me the kind of fuckup feeling just becos i dun like to go out and meet up due to personal reason or watever crap im facing.. Is there any problem with not meeting up? i seriously doesnt see any problem for them to get pissed at me.. not like i promised them that i will go.. and most of the time they treat me worst then how they treat those people that hurt or do nasty shit to them.. wat the fck did i do to them man to get double the 'reward' the real nasty people gets??..

and onces they give me this kind of feeling.. good bye.. i will not want to meet up again.. because i know when i meet up they will kbkp about the last incident and so on.. its wtf man.. zZz.. u think i want to meet up to get suaned or to entertain them for wat they've prove to me about the friendship?.. sorry no.. cause theres stuffs i can never tolerate!..

i hate being a sensitive person.. im very sensitive towards the feeling people gives me.. if they arent being truthful etc.. most of the time i can feel.. and it just makes me sick.. because i still have to put up a smile and pretend i dont know wat the hell they are trying to do/say.. seriously being sensitive is dam shit.. i rather be a non sensitive person.. at least you wont feel so screw up when you see all the things you foreseen coming true..

just becos i dun like to be mean to people i know doesnt mean that im not angry.. and if one day all these anger is released which im always trying to hold back for being sensible and also due to what we've been educated by our parents, school about rules, regulations, responsibilities etcs.. i wont be surprise that things might get overly extreme..

aniway the feeling i get is like as if i owe them money and i run away.. -.-.. this is lame shit.. maybe i've seen too much of these thats why i never like to social too much.. becos all these will happen.. and especially when im bad at rejecting people etc..

hais.. when i play maple i see those pple all so united together i really does envy them.. it was also wat i wanted when i was playing RO.. but even after years of effort.. i still failed endlessly and i've given up totally now.. life just seem so hopeless..

maybe becos as a perfectionist we want everything to be gd.. be it in r/s.. friends.. or watever.. but when either one fails it seems to us as if the whole reason to be alive is shattered.. i tried to care less but even so it has problems.. i've no idea how to cure myself already...

recently theres alot of unhappiness in my family.. parents quarrel or watever shit.. im sick and tired to be bothered abt it after the last incident which kills me totally.. this is a shit hole.. ARG! fck la.. my family is screwed up eventhough on the surface it look intact.. but actually theres more then it seems to be.. so disgusting! zzz..

sick and tired of smiling when deep inside you know it wont last.. or worst.. its fake.. i guess im just not easily sastified.. i want everyone and thing around me to be happy.. else i get fed up.. actually to think deeper.. its rather contradicting.. anyone with the right mind can just comment and make me look like a attention seeking retard.. but all i can say is.. only people thats on the same boat can feel where the boat is heading and hows the condition of the boat...

play game does make me think lesser.. its like a morphine to ease the pain.. sighs.. but sometimes morphine is a very depressing process........

2007-12-25T11:57:00.000+08:00

Merry Xmas to everyone....

firstly thanks darling for the great xmas present! omg.. silly babe i can feel and imagine all the efforts you've put in to getting it for me.. :( hugss.. thanks for being a sweetie and i really appreciate all the gifts and presents you've gotten me since day 1..

each one of them has feelings and memories engraved on them.. though i cant promise that i can remember the dates that you gave me the presents on, as much as i want to..

but im sure the feelings will always be there.. sobs.. thanks.. huggies..

anyway last night was decent.. though it could had been even better..

watched "I am Legend".. well its decent i would say.. but somehow kinda sad i felt.. esp the poor dog.. sigh..

alot in my mind to write about wats going on recently but duno how to write them out now.. so much had happened to everyone lately.. and i know everyone's still trying to get over their own problems.. sigh.. takecare everyone!

they sky is getting dark looks like its gona rain today sighs... darling's still at church.. hope she wont get caught in the rain when she on the way back..

feeling so lost :s.. wonder wats right for me to do.. just slack and rest or do something..

thinking about it.. sometimes the more we want to save/treasure time.. the more we will end up wasting it..

maybe we really should just grab and do watever that come along the way?.. but on the other hand.. if you dont fight for something.. nothing can be achieved either..

this is life.. shit happens...

anyway thanks darling for everything.. hugs =)

will blog more in time to come.. nowadays i either have no time to really sit down and blog or having too much complicated thoughts...

sighs.. takecare!

2007-12-13T00:40:00.000+08:00

hmm so sian..

derek going in ns tmr

2007-12-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

Happy 9th Anniversary Darling..

thanks for being my baby.. <3~ hugss~

anyway sighs time flies.. its time to sleep liao.. so sian.. no life!! i usually hang out till late in the night.. now i can hardly do that anymore lol.. infact to be exact i can only do that during weekends..

how miserable..

good night!

2007-12-06T19:01:00.000+08:00

peeboo.. sounds like pearpuu lol!..

anyway just got home not long.. hais.. on the way home was listening to my techno tracks.. sighs..

indeed.. it has been long since my last blog.. its been real busy nowadays.. or should i say.. 'no life'.. haha.. a pre-taste of NS life?.. since its also 'no life'.. you dont have time to do what you want to..

we all been slacking too long.. until now we're forced to enter this stage of no freedom.. think you can still walk around in town, slacking around in the pub or even going clubbing.. all these seem to be activities of the past soon..

maybe it just that i've been influenced by my working environment.. but im kinda lost in what i want.. something isnt right i know..

or maybe its just another perfectionist cell creating drama..

taking the MRT really can affect a person.. i hate taking public transport since the day i've to take one.. because i always feel uneasy in one.. but now im forced to take as its gona cost me 20 bucks if i gona take cab to work..

you really see lots of stuffs while taking MRT.. how people live their life etc.. aniway most of the time i get irritated on a bad day.. when its so packed in the train and it just sucks.. but who cares since im always taking train at the most 'hot' period of the day..

all i can say is.. Sight is the most powerful in human.. follow by the sense of touch.. people tend to get affected/influenced by visuals the most.. and thats why we have photos and videos..

everything is depend upon Sight.. without it.. hearing/feeling wont be able to reach the climax..

but watever.. everything is important.. its best to stay healthy and enjoy every espect of life..

sighs..

and today i was cleaning up my table drawer.. saw lot of notes from the previous temp staff before i took over.. heard that she was also from Ngee Ann and part time.. she got lots of notes about the job.. and well i encounter some interesting stuff.. online food booking and even travel booking.. she print out all those using the company printer.. faint.. worst is she dump all the paper in the drawer.. wth.. but really sweet lor.. i kinda envy her able to plan so much stuff.. all the travel isnt cheap... i saw free and easy travel, cruise, sea side chalet etc.. even some valentine meal that cost 200+ / couple meal.. so sweet.. makes me wonder how their r/s feels like.. and this couple anniversary was on the 12th lol.. 1 day after darling and mine.. Oct 12 was their 13th anniversary.. cause she print out a calender and wrote there Happy 13th Anniversary!.. it seems to me like shes working and studying at the same time due to the different hours she scribbled on the papers.. but that also make me wonder why she quit this job.. maybe shes rich and just working for fun?... no idea..

hais.. i wonder.. whats there to be envious about.. maybe im just curious.. those kinda luxury r/s probably doesnt suit me.. though everyone would say money doesnt matter.. as long as they love each other.. but trust me.. money has it roles in every espect.. and dont be surprise how powerful / important this role can get to...

money money.. i find myself getting closer and closer to this need each working day.. the visual of my workplace just make me feels troubled.. i dont know how to explain.. but watever it is.. its a path everyone has to go through and stay in the future..

everyone there is so rich.. at least im sure the people im dealing with are.. and my work place environment.. you see all the business man being drive around by their own driver etc...

even my boss also driving me speechless.. 4 digit to them is peanuts... when i ask them to review certain stuffs.. its so obvious that they dont give a crap about those thousand over dollars expenses / request..

hais...

emo emo.. dont you hate it? i do...

i hope to enjoy myself this comin weekend.. sighs.. cant believe that weekend can be so precious right?.. its gona be the same when i enter NS.. but this precious thing is so short.. till it makes me feel pathetic going through every weekend..

NO LIFE....

2007-11-12T14:23:00.000+08:00

bahs.. today im pwned.. lol.. this is wat happens when babe's with me lols.. i tend to rely on her in certain ways.. i woke up at 6 40am as soon as my alarm rang.. but babe still sleeping lolx.. so well i tried shaking her but she still sleeping.. then end up i also sian dun feel like waking up.. then continue to nua until 7+am then mum call me down for breakfast..

after tat i go back and continue nua with babe.. so in the end.. nv go work.. sharks sia.. sighs.. monday is always the most sian day.. feel so bad missing work today.. but well i go there also got nothing much to do.. dam sian.. always finish my task then wait for reply from emails etc until sian..

want to sleep also cannot.. not to mention surfing the net.. cant do anything there except work related due to compliance and security issues.. so when theres no work to do.. theres NOTHING to do/can do..

sighs darling went to sch at 1+pm.. for her presentation etc.. now im just waiting for her to come back.. somehow struck by guilt for missing work.. arghs..

damm.. feel so screwed.. and still kinda tired.. the last weekend used too much energy lols.. and didnt really sleep well.. so part of the reason why i slacked off today for work =s.. but yeah the weekend was fun..

Im glad benson enjoyed himself on his 21st birthday.. lols.. it was crazy haha.. the last time we had so much fun i think maybe was during start of 2007 at mos..

glad everyone kinda enjoyed at the club on sat.. lol.. been so long since everyone went clubbing together.. and i also left the clubbing world for like 1/2 a year or more.. almost lost the feeling of it.. lol but lucky it wasnt so bad on sat.. but blister sucks lol..

hurtss..... =x

aniway

happy belated 8th month anniversary darling..

hasnt been using computer recently so never get to update on much stuffs on the net..

right now kinda dazing away.. so not in the right mood to do a proper blog entry.. guess i'll update more when im in the right mood lols..

2007-11-05T20:22:00.001+08:00

baby u're the sweetest girl i ever had =P.. thanks for all you've done for me.. i love u so much!

2007-11-05T00:31:00.001+08:00

sobs.. babe just went home..

this isnt the first time.. but this time it felt really different.. for some reason im drowned in saddness.. *hugs darling*

tears just rolled down on it own.. feels so reluctant to let babe go home.. it just proves me whats going to happen when i go in ns.. i seriously dont know how the emo self can handle the misses?.. i know it by myself that phone calls wont make it any better..

aniway its either i get pissed off by it due to irritation or getting depress over it.. but it might be extreme..

maybe it feels just like those kids being forced to be seperated from their parents.. lots of sobbing and yelling deep inside..

sighs.. weekend its over again.. perhaps this weekend involved too much emotions and thoughts.. thats why i teared.. but it has been so long since i remembered my last drop of tear.. i almost thought i had lost all of my emotions in life..

perhaps the 2 movies (Ferryman and Halloween) played a part too.. 2 extreme killing show.. gosh..

sighs..

2007-10-28T05:44:00.000+08:00

well well..

here i am again hahas..

actually i should be very happy this weekend.. cos i dont have to work.. but sighs im upset.. cos of some shit that happened on friday.. and it killed me totally lols.. sick of it..

aniway came back around 1hr+ ago from our celebration of zhenning 21st birthday =P..

so yeah..

Happy 21st Birthday Zhenning!

hehe.. hope you enjoyed urself just now xD...

im dead beat lol.. and well babe computer got virus.. and shes reformatting now.. poor babe.. so tired le still got to stay up to fix her pc.. sighs..

life is always filled with unpredictable event.. thats the most scary thing..

anyway.. sob last day of the weekend lols.. then a full week of hell working.. eerks.. faints!.. im going to sleep very early tonight.. hate the feeling of forcing ur eyes to open..

okies and below is the new song by 郭美美! Jocie Guo Mei Mei !!

song title 爱情女神 Ai Qing Nu Shen (Love Goddess)

its so catchy and nice.. best thing is its a convert from God is a girl by Groove coverage..

i love it! xD

2007-10-27T14:06:00.000+08:00

finally.. its sat.. i just got up from my sleep.. been a couple of days since i get to sleep till this hr of the day again lols..

well i started working on wednesday.. it was so sudden.. as i dont have much notice in advance.. and onces they contact me.. i was expected to start work the next day.. gawd..

sighs.. well this job is really stressful for me and it really pushes me to do stuffs i didnt like before.. lols like taking lots of public transport?.. waking up at 6 50am every morning.. and learning to communicate with adults.. which im not good at..

aniway somehow though i dont have to work today i still cant really enjoy my sleep.. sighs.. i tot i would be able to have a really good rest.. but watever.. hope i will really get used to it.. like wat benson said.. he mention that he also felt like that in the first few weeks..

hais.. my life is really not on the track.. theres so much things i regret not doing properly.. its hard to describe my inner feelings.. but it just a deep feeling of being lost and helpless.. watever it is.. life still has to go on uh?..

aniway just through these few days of work.. i've seen and experience of hows life gona be as a real adult with family.. everyone around me is at least in the late 20s, 30s or more in the office.. the stuffs they talk about and such just makes me feel stressed..

sighs..

seriously we all need to know of our future plans.. its such a pain when u know u need to do something but u just couldnt get it done..

hais.. looking back too much is really bad.. its really time we look ahead now.. and give up on things that need to be given up..

as for gaming.. im moving towards ending my gaming life soon.. if i were to quit RO.. im not going to play anymore game.. sick of it.. it had caused enough damage to my life already..

aniway later tonight we gona celebrate zn 21st birthday.. heh hope it's gona be a great night.. sighs then tmr i think im gona have some family lunch thingy.. and darling also gona be busy tmr.. sighs.. and before i know it.. its gona be monday..

the coming week's going to be long and hard.. i better be prepared for wats coming my way..

time just seem to get lesser and lesser.. especially when im moving towards the army enlistment date..

kinda bothering..

feeling stucked up...

miss darling.. you play an important role to why im still able to withstand all these shit in my life.. sighs hugs babe and thanks again..

2007-10-22T14:59:00.000+08:00

lols.. onces again everything is just a dream..

hope is nothing.. i seriously dont believe in hope anymore..

2007-10-21T23:50:00.000+08:00

well.. im back from genting =o...

went there on saturday morning.. left the hse at 6+am.. and well i must say im dead beat.. guess i shdnt had hung out till so late with zn, cj and benson on friday.. lols.. im so tired as i slept at ard 3+am near 4.. and had to get up at 6am to prepare and leave for genting..

went with my whole family and darling.. well the drive there is really nuts.. drove for like 6-7hrs i believe.. cause we reach genting during noon..

it's my first time and yea im pretty amazed with the scenerio there.. can see the clouds drifting etc.. well all i can say is some of the scenerio is pretty hard for me to put them into words..

well the road up to genting is steep and curvy.. make it looks as if its really Initial D.. lols.. its scary though..

aniway ima not gona blog out every single details.. cos its gona be too long winded.. i would say yeah i would like to go there again.. this trip was pretty fun and interesting but sad thing was we only stayed for 1 night and it was too rush.. but the worst is because my ulcer in my mouth hasnt healed.. and i basically couldnt eat.. so therefore i failed to taste alot of nice looking food.. =(..

this ulcer is a pain in the ass.. u cant open ur mouth properly as it hurts and u cant chew too much.. basically any movement in the jaw will trigger the pain.. arghs.. hate it..

im reading online sites now to find a faster cure for it.. cause the last time when i had this problem it took about 1week+ to heal.. sighs..

aniway the next time when i get to go genting again i must make sure im in the best condition so i can enjoy myself to the max..

2007-10-19T13:41:00.000+08:00

naruto anime is just getting more and more interesting and touching as it goes.. sad thing is that we got to wait so long for each eps.. =c

sighs aniway so touching.. sometimes i wonder how come some pple dont feel anything when they watches emo scenes? isit becos they just watch it and dont try to feel wats going on or isit becos they're too positive so everything tat seems so hard to accept can be so easy for them?..

hmm.. aniway these few days have been rather disturbing for myself.. doing alot of soul searching on certain issues.. and as usual i always cant make a proper decision for myself.. becos i cant find a perfect decision..

sighs aniway i dont really like to watch romance or emo shows too much cos it tend to affect my mood after that.. and it might trigger alot of thoughts in my mind.. so i rather watch horror/thriller/action.. at least they wont have that much of a after impact on myself.. /sigh..

being a perfectionist is so tiring.. are we all pre-programmed before we're born? no idea.. the thing about life itself already has too much questions.. everyday we live in this world we're in.. but we've no idea wats life is and where we're from.. how we get the ability to think, feel and move?.. human always use science as a fact for everything.. but wat if science is just something create to convience humans so we dont keep thinking about things we dont know.. so we're complied to all these 'facts'..

and were religions created so people have something to look forward to after death and convience them about the after life? so people dont fear death?.. seriously all these questions are so disturbing to ask.. theres so much more questions about life and the world if we want to think about it..

i guess we'll only know wats going on when we die..

lols.. sometimes i see life as a weird cycle..

aniway enuff of my random crapping.. these questions are better off not to think about them.. else it just hinder us from moving on in life.. but sometimes certain thing in life just makes me wonder..

what are we doing and wats our purpose..

2007-10-16T02:03:00.002+08:00

sighs so bored..

babe just started school.. i know sch work gona be piling up very soon.. and that babe wont have much time to be with me.. i understand.. hugs darling.. hope everything will be fine in school!

love you <3

2007-10-16T02:03:00.001+08:00

sighs so bored..

babe just started school..

so well theres goals for her now and shes gona be very busy soon..

while im still wandering around aimlessly.. still fighting with myself not to give up on dreams.. sighs everyday thinking and thinking of how to make dreams grow and develop.. just so sickening..

aniway i guess this probably is the last hope and attempt.. since in around 5mths time i wont be able to wander around like now already..

hope god can make my wish come true.. let there be miracle in RO within this 5mths.. but deep inside me i know the chances of it coming true is very slim.. sighs..

stressed out..
lost..

2007-10-11T08:51:00.000+08:00

today is the 7th anniversary day with darling..

but the whole day has been destroyed due to stupid guild drama.. im so pissed off right now till i duno wat to say..

onces again it just demoralize me even more regarding the guild..

just becos of a little eternia shit everyone is talking about leaving the guild and crap.. is this how loyalty work?.. and do they even have the minimum respect for the guild and myself.. i just stare at the chat the whole time and hope things will sort out soon.. but it just get worst and worst..

from personal problems they bring it into the guild as a guild problem now.. so it just smack dreams right into this shit.. and talking of breaking alliance like as if they didnt cared.. if thats so.. why do they even bother saying they want an alliance since the start?!.. i didnt planned to ally so soon.. if it wasnt due to someone who keep bringing it up to me that we shd try out..

and now when shit happens they say break alliance.. as easy and simple as it seems uh.. people are all so self centered.. i've have a hard time trying to get things going and well not to mention this fcking drama.. when shit happens.. where it all end up to?.. THE LEADER!..

i tried to stay as low profile and drama free as possible.. but fck shit have to happen.. and u know wat happens.. pple dont pick it out on the pple that caused it.. but the whole guild.. and the leader.. and people who started it can easily quit guild one day and maybe get over with it.. but a guild reputation onces smashed.. will always be bad..

i dont wan to create any shit now becos our guild is still so weak and unestablished.. creating drama and making us "well known" only kills our future development.. know why other guild can be so bossy and crap?.. its either becos they're already strong or they have some backing somewhere..

but dreams?.. we're still growing.. sighs.. sickening!.. the issues was already there.. but people dont bother to settle it out in private or watever.. and now when it clashes they start making a big fuss over it.. like why the leaders nv do this and that.. blame blame blame.. is this how humans love to get on with their lives?

they dont wan to spend more time improving themselve strengthen the guild etc but spending time on all these craps..

im lost of words..

if can i also wish to just stand alone with 56 members.. but look.. the guild only has like 10+ pple active.. imo if we arent that strong ourselves we dont have any rights to go comment on other people crap.. saying pple suck or watever.. cos we cant even fix our own mess.. trying so hard to get pple on and active.. but how hard can i do it?.. point a gun at their head and say u better fcking play?.. of cos not.. so well if the members themselve dont wana put in the effort and devotion.. i cant do much either...

i know theres pple that really care and shown effort like raina and dar.. but its not enuff... we need more pple who really share the same views..

i seriously wonder why shd i continue to devote so much.. it just seems like watever i do it doesnt help at all.. DnS is doing so much better interm of their recruitment and etc.. at least they have decent amount of trans... more then us.. imo dns is feeling bossy in the alliance becos of their strength.. if we want to make them respect us etc.. our members need to work harder get more lvls and trans.. its just like real life.. the richer and higher educated one will be more respected in the society..

i really hope pple can stop talking and spending time into uneeded place but work on themselves.. if they want to pick a fight.. wats the point of using typing and mouth.. just freaking level high and show it in real action.. kill those pple in WoE and make them STFU.. thats the best way imo.. no point gaying over text... it just irritates me!..

i cant stand Eternia and i will not.. im quiet doesnt mean im not pissed or i dont bother.. i just want to be realistic.. shut up now and return the favour next time.. no point talking now... the other reason why im quiet is becos i also see some fault of our side.. when they started wacking in WoE.. all those could have been avoided.. but everyone just went stubborn and watever i say doesnt make a difference...

sickening..

The guild need more to grow up and be stronger!!...

2007-10-07T16:21:00.000+08:00

bahs.. just bathed finish my dog.. doggy smell all over me.. bahhs... gona bath soon and gotta go out for family dinner..

darling is having her pig sleep as usual.. in my room.. while i kinda tired but cant sleep already.. perhaps the sleeping time is over.. well didnt slept at all.. yesterday went to watch resident evil extinction with the guys and darling..

well it was kinda disappointing in some sense that i was expecting more action and storyline i think.. just feels abit disappointed..

after that we went for supper and slacked.. chat abt many stuffs and laughed at our old sec sch days.. funny yet so memorable.. sometimes just wish we were back there living those lives again.. sighs..

RO came into the topic.. and yeah i duno how in the end.. end up kinda brought everyone back to talking abt it like old days.. the kinda endless conversation about the game and how we got owned before etc.. in the end burnt 3 RO folder dvd for the guys and watched the hill have eyes 2 before the guys left at 6am..

atm cj is back in the guild and wx is too.. benson and zn im not sure.. im surprised that they would talk abt RO again and look interested again.. yeah im happy.. it just brings back memories and the fun times somehow.. those crapping in guildchat and such.. doing lame stuffs in game and screaming over the conference etc.. lol...

sighs.. today is a bad day for the guild.. its possible that the current alliance will break due to a fuckup guild called eternia.. maybe the leader is very good with his speech and he managed to psycho most of the alliance into believing him etc.. but before that the alliance didnt had good impression on them.. and now they're siding on that bastard and gona push the blame to Dreams..

this is totally screw up.. it just irritates me so much to see fuck up people getting the most out of life.. does the bad always win?...

so well if the alliance is dumb enuff to break the alliance due to this bastard.. we've no choice.. but they better not pick on us in woe.. else its gona piss me off..

talk to david before and yea we miss the old days.. when schnitzer still around.. thou its due to nitzer that Elites fall apart and having drama and disputes causing people to quit etc.. but nitzer had the leadership i think.. he can scream and yell at pple and they still follow his orders.. is this the difference between a person who has leadership and one who hasnt?.. or its just pure manipulation skills?.. and well if they didnt turn against nitzer.. by now the guild could be one of the strongest in the server..

im tired.. very.. but yet i dun feel like giving up without any sense of achievements.. sighs im so irritated..

lol just saw cj's msn nick.."Life's simple, you make choices and you don't look back".. perhaps i look back too much sometimes?.. sighs but not like i can help it.. sometimes we just couldnt help ourselves.. /sigh

2007-10-02T20:36:00.000+08:00

shd i just give up on this dream?.. i think im almost at the end of it.. im REALLY.. sick and tired of pushing people to do this and that.. NOTHING get accomplished still... so dam sickening.. makes me wonder why am i fighting this endless war trying to succeed in something thats obviously fated to have no future..

it just pisses me off.. no matter how hard i try.. nothing seem to change.. everyday i get on this "job" looking at it.. and start to wonder why am i even doing this...

yes its my wish and my dream.. but.. its starting to make me feel that its going to be pointless doing it..

wats holding me back is the hope for miracle.. i wan to prove myself that i haven wasted my years of effort and sacrifises.. but well.. i guess its just fated.. u know this is just like a loser that dont accept defeat.. or just another gambler then thinks the next bet gona be better.. and just keep loosing more and more each try..

i dont have much time left till i enter the army.. and also becos of this.. im feeling even more impatience with it.. i wan to see some REAL results.. but till now.. everything still in a big fat mess..

i want to see dar 99 and eventually trans.. but i think i can forget abt it.. its make me wonder how many shares the same dream as i do.. worst is pple making me feel like the share the same dream and turns out as disappointment..

this happen ALL the time.. its making me real sick of it.. people always say but when it comes to doing.. they slack off their promises..

everyday im fighting with myself on whether i shd just give up.. yet i cant bear to see all the time and effort just get wasted like that.. i want to achieve my dream and goal.. but i alone cant do anything.. the kind of feeling is totally shit up..

so anxious to do something but not many around u are serious enough to achieve something.. and when something screws up.. they blame each other, they complain and do lots of shit except working on the problem..

so sick of it... if i can choose.. i rather not start it.. becos when i start something i want to make sure its perfect or it succeed.. becos i tend to put too much hope onto it...

so irritated...! every little thing is making me pissed off..

i seriously feel like SCREAMING at those people that keep making me disappointed and irritated!.. all these anger that keep adding on in me.. just make it so hard to be happy again...

i wish im a evil person.. so i can fucking scold people without feeling any sympathy or watever.. just pure relief from all the anger... why is it so easy for some people to give hell to others but yet so hard for me!!..

i think i going to have high blood pressure or heart attack soon..

i can only wish and rant here.. cos i know nothings going to change in real life..

Im forever myself.. and that will mean.. problems will always be there... wat can i do?.. hope the infamous NS will change me into someone different!..